Obama's State Of The Union Address

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Holiday

Obama's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:

  • Obama to punctuate each point with skeet shot
  • Throughout the speech, a large star-spangled beach ball will be batted around the House of Representatives to congressmen’s delight
  • Michelle Obama to widen tight-mouthed grin slightly at mention of health care
  • Sign language interpreter to be given two minutes at the end of the speech to say whatever she wants to the nation’s deaf
  • Harsh criticism of the American people
  • President Obama to give a shout-out to some sad business owner who hasn’t wised up yet and shipped all of his jobs to China
  • Some light crowd work whenever Obama feels like it’s dead out there
  • Planned gag where Gabby Giffords pops in behind the podium, making Obama think the riotous applause is for him
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More