adBlockCheck

Obama's State Of The Union Address

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:

  • Obama to punctuate each point with skeet shot
  • Throughout the speech, a large star-spangled beach ball will be batted around the House of Representatives to congressmen’s delight
  • Michelle Obama to widen tight-mouthed grin slightly at mention of health care
  • Sign language interpreter to be given two minutes at the end of the speech to say whatever she wants to the nation’s deaf
  • Harsh criticism of the American people
  • President Obama to give a shout-out to some sad business owner who hasn’t wised up yet and shipped all of his jobs to China
  • Some light crowd work whenever Obama feels like it’s dead out there
  • Planned gag where Gabby Giffords pops in behind the podium, making Obama think the riotous applause is for him

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close