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Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Obama's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:

  • Obama to punctuate each point with skeet shot
  • Throughout the speech, a large star-spangled beach ball will be batted around the House of Representatives to congressmen’s delight
  • Michelle Obama to widen tight-mouthed grin slightly at mention of health care
  • Sign language interpreter to be given two minutes at the end of the speech to say whatever she wants to the nation’s deaf
  • Harsh criticism of the American people
  • President Obama to give a shout-out to some sad business owner who hasn’t wised up yet and shipped all of his jobs to China
  • Some light crowd work whenever Obama feels like it’s dead out there
  • Planned gag where Gabby Giffords pops in behind the podium, making Obama think the riotous applause is for him

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