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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Obama's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:

  • Obama to punctuate each point with skeet shot
  • Throughout the speech, a large star-spangled beach ball will be batted around the House of Representatives to congressmen’s delight
  • Michelle Obama to widen tight-mouthed grin slightly at mention of health care
  • Sign language interpreter to be given two minutes at the end of the speech to say whatever she wants to the nation’s deaf
  • Harsh criticism of the American people
  • President Obama to give a shout-out to some sad business owner who hasn’t wised up yet and shipped all of his jobs to China
  • Some light crowd work whenever Obama feels like it’s dead out there
  • Planned gag where Gabby Giffords pops in behind the podium, making Obama think the riotous applause is for him

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