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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.
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October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.

Here are some things women can do to help fight this silent killer:

  • Keep a canary between your breasts; should the canary die, contact a physician immediately
  • Exercise regularly so that the cancer will give up on you and go after slower, weaker women instead
  • Let the girls out for a breather every so often
  • Wear shirts that make you and others think positive things about your breasts
  • Edit the Wikipedia page for breast cancer and write a sentence about how you'll never get it
  • Avoid exposing your breasts in the immediate vicinity of a nuclear power plant
  • Consult some weird old Japanese lady and drink whatever nasty crap she advises
  • While in the shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion. Yeah, just like that. Maybe use a little soap. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, God, yes, that's it

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