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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.

Here are some things women can do to help fight this silent killer:

  • Keep a canary between your breasts; should the canary die, contact a physician immediately
  • Exercise regularly so that the cancer will give up on you and go after slower, weaker women instead
  • Let the girls out for a breather every so often
  • Wear shirts that make you and others think positive things about your breasts
  • Edit the Wikipedia page for breast cancer and write a sentence about how you'll never get it
  • Avoid exposing your breasts in the immediate vicinity of a nuclear power plant
  • Consult some weird old Japanese lady and drink whatever nasty crap she advises
  • While in the shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion. Yeah, just like that. Maybe use a little soap. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, God, yes, that's it

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