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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.

Here are some things women can do to help fight this silent killer:

  • Keep a canary between your breasts; should the canary die, contact a physician immediately
  • Exercise regularly so that the cancer will give up on you and go after slower, weaker women instead
  • Let the girls out for a breather every so often
  • Wear shirts that make you and others think positive things about your breasts
  • Edit the Wikipedia page for breast cancer and write a sentence about how you'll never get it
  • Avoid exposing your breasts in the immediate vicinity of a nuclear power plant
  • Consult some weird old Japanese lady and drink whatever nasty crap she advises
  • While in the shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion. Yeah, just like that. Maybe use a little soap. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, God, yes, that's it
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