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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.

Here are some things women can do to help fight this silent killer:

  • Keep a canary between your breasts; should the canary die, contact a physician immediately
  • Exercise regularly so that the cancer will give up on you and go after slower, weaker women instead
  • Let the girls out for a breather every so often
  • Wear shirts that make you and others think positive things about your breasts
  • Edit the Wikipedia page for breast cancer and write a sentence about how you'll never get it
  • Avoid exposing your breasts in the immediate vicinity of a nuclear power plant
  • Consult some weird old Japanese lady and drink whatever nasty crap she advises
  • While in the shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion. Yeah, just like that. Maybe use a little soap. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, God, yes, that's it

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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