adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

October Surprises In History

Many elections have been altered by an "October surprise," or a sudden revelation that casts one candidate in a bad light. Here are some of the more memorable October surprises from years past:

1816: James Monroe (Democratic-Republican) vs. Rufus King (Federalist)—The Daily Pottstown Ledger intercepts a carrier pigeon carrying erotic poetry from Sen. King to an unidentified minor

1840: William Henry Harrison (Whig) vs. Martin Van Buren (Democrat)—In one of the earliest photographs ever taken in the United States, the incumbent Van Buren is revealed to be nothing more than a topcoat stuffed with leaves

1868: Ulysses S. Grant (Republican) vs. Horatio Seymour (Democrat)—Scandal erupts when it is discovered that Seymour secretly supports polio

1924: Calvin Coolidge (Republican) vs. John W. Davis (Democrat)—Publishing magnate William Randolph Hearst releases photos of Davis dressed as a flapper

1960: John F. Kennedy (Democrat) vs. Richard Nixon (Republican)—Chicago's powerful League of Deceased Voters rescinds its endorsement of Nixon

1984: Ronald Reagan (Republican) vs. Walter Mondale (Democrat)—Ronald Reagan finds Osama bin Laden and gives him $100 million to fight the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan

1988: George H. W. Bush (Republican) vs. Michael Dukakis (Democrat)—Voters are shocked when it is revealed that Dukakis previously slept with and impregnated his wife of many years

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close