Old Stars With New Teams

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered history of established stars who tried to reestablish themselves elsewhere:

1974: Bucks center Lew Alcindor is traded to the Lakers, where he struggles before being eventually replaced by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

1978: O. J. Simpson goes from Buffalo, where he rushed for over 10,000 yards, to California, where he knifes his wife to death

1979: Longtime star Larry Bird, who has 30 individual records and a national championship to his name, shocks fans by leaving Indiana State University to join the Boston Celtics

1993: Decrepit 49ers hero Joe Montana, failing to realize that it's time to quit, embarrasses himself and everyone else in football by leading the Chiefs to the AFC Championship Game

2001: Thurman Thomas attempts to sign a symbolic one-day contract to retire as a Buffalo Bill, but the running back shatters his shoulder lifting the pen and is unable to finish the ceremony

2003: Emmitt Smith leaves the Cowboys for the Arizona Cardinals and plods through a lackluster, injury-plagued season on a 4-12 team, making it his most enjoyable year to watch for many fans

2006: Three years after his third retirement, Michael Jordan returns to the NBA with the Charlotte Bobcats, playing some sort of position that involves wearing a shirt and tie

2006: Former Patriot Drew Bledsoe ends his career on the Cowboys while playing the only way he knew how: underperforming, throwing erratically, and eventually being replaced by a far superior backup

2008: Despite the dozens of historical examples of star athletes suffering late-career disappointment and tarnished glory after signing with different teams, Brett Favre fails to notice a pattern

2010: Michael Jordan signs with the New York Knicks


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