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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered history of established stars who tried to reestablish themselves elsewhere:

1974: Bucks center Lew Alcindor is traded to the Lakers, where he struggles before being eventually replaced by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

1978: O. J. Simpson goes from Buffalo, where he rushed for over 10,000 yards, to California, where he knifes his wife to death

1979: Longtime star Larry Bird, who has 30 individual records and a national championship to his name, shocks fans by leaving Indiana State University to join the Boston Celtics

1993: Decrepit 49ers hero Joe Montana, failing to realize that it's time to quit, embarrasses himself and everyone else in football by leading the Chiefs to the AFC Championship Game

2001: Thurman Thomas attempts to sign a symbolic one-day contract to retire as a Buffalo Bill, but the running back shatters his shoulder lifting the pen and is unable to finish the ceremony

2003: Emmitt Smith leaves the Cowboys for the Arizona Cardinals and plods through a lackluster, injury-plagued season on a 4-12 team, making it his most enjoyable year to watch for many fans

2006: Three years after his third retirement, Michael Jordan returns to the NBA with the Charlotte Bobcats, playing some sort of position that involves wearing a shirt and tie

2006: Former Patriot Drew Bledsoe ends his career on the Cowboys while playing the only way he knew how: underperforming, throwing erratically, and eventually being replaced by a far superior backup

2008: Despite the dozens of historical examples of star athletes suffering late-career disappointment and tarnished glory after signing with different teams, Brett Favre fails to notice a pattern

2010: Michael Jordan signs with the New York Knicks

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