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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered history of established stars who tried to reestablish themselves elsewhere:

1974: Bucks center Lew Alcindor is traded to the Lakers, where he struggles before being eventually replaced by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

1978: O. J. Simpson goes from Buffalo, where he rushed for over 10,000 yards, to California, where he knifes his wife to death

1979: Longtime star Larry Bird, who has 30 individual records and a national championship to his name, shocks fans by leaving Indiana State University to join the Boston Celtics

1993: Decrepit 49ers hero Joe Montana, failing to realize that it's time to quit, embarrasses himself and everyone else in football by leading the Chiefs to the AFC Championship Game

2001: Thurman Thomas attempts to sign a symbolic one-day contract to retire as a Buffalo Bill, but the running back shatters his shoulder lifting the pen and is unable to finish the ceremony

2003: Emmitt Smith leaves the Cowboys for the Arizona Cardinals and plods through a lackluster, injury-plagued season on a 4-12 team, making it his most enjoyable year to watch for many fans

2006: Three years after his third retirement, Michael Jordan returns to the NBA with the Charlotte Bobcats, playing some sort of position that involves wearing a shirt and tie

2006: Former Patriot Drew Bledsoe ends his career on the Cowboys while playing the only way he knew how: underperforming, throwing erratically, and eventually being replaced by a far superior backup

2008: Despite the dozens of historical examples of star athletes suffering late-career disappointment and tarnished glory after signing with different teams, Brett Favre fails to notice a pattern

2010: Michael Jordan signs with the New York Knicks

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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