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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered history of established stars who tried to reestablish themselves elsewhere:

1974: Bucks center Lew Alcindor is traded to the Lakers, where he struggles before being eventually replaced by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

1978: O. J. Simpson goes from Buffalo, where he rushed for over 10,000 yards, to California, where he knifes his wife to death

1979: Longtime star Larry Bird, who has 30 individual records and a national championship to his name, shocks fans by leaving Indiana State University to join the Boston Celtics

1993: Decrepit 49ers hero Joe Montana, failing to realize that it's time to quit, embarrasses himself and everyone else in football by leading the Chiefs to the AFC Championship Game

2001: Thurman Thomas attempts to sign a symbolic one-day contract to retire as a Buffalo Bill, but the running back shatters his shoulder lifting the pen and is unable to finish the ceremony

2003: Emmitt Smith leaves the Cowboys for the Arizona Cardinals and plods through a lackluster, injury-plagued season on a 4-12 team, making it his most enjoyable year to watch for many fans

2006: Three years after his third retirement, Michael Jordan returns to the NBA with the Charlotte Bobcats, playing some sort of position that involves wearing a shirt and tie

2006: Former Patriot Drew Bledsoe ends his career on the Cowboys while playing the only way he knew how: underperforming, throwing erratically, and eventually being replaced by a far superior backup

2008: Despite the dozens of historical examples of star athletes suffering late-career disappointment and tarnished glory after signing with different teams, Brett Favre fails to notice a pattern

2010: Michael Jordan signs with the New York Knicks

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