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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird

The discovery of a new fossil suggests the archaeopteryx may have been more of a bird-like dinosaur than a dinosaur-like bird. Here are some other examples of commonly held beliefs refuted by recent archaeological finds:

  • The apatosaurus actually called brontosaurus by other dinosaurs
  • A fully preserved woolly mammoth discovered in Siberia reveals they all had luxurious platinum-blond fur
  • Stegosaurus plates evolved to protect animal from its own useless spike-tail
  • New evidence has led scientists to conclude this one big bone they found is not the entire skeleton of some elbow-shaped animal, but actually just one of many bones making up a larger animal
  • Ancient turtles moved lightning quick, had long legs, lacked a shell, and were covered in Cheetah fur
  • While abrosaurus can still technically be classified as an herbivore, paleontologists have established that foliage of the time was sentient and bulging with blood

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