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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird

The discovery of a new fossil suggests the archaeopteryx may have been more of a bird-like dinosaur than a dinosaur-like bird. Here are some other examples of commonly held beliefs refuted by recent archaeological finds:

  • The apatosaurus actually called brontosaurus by other dinosaurs
  • A fully preserved woolly mammoth discovered in Siberia reveals they all had luxurious platinum-blond fur
  • Stegosaurus plates evolved to protect animal from its own useless spike-tail
  • New evidence has led scientists to conclude this one big bone they found is not the entire skeleton of some elbow-shaped animal, but actually just one of many bones making up a larger animal
  • Ancient turtles moved lightning quick, had long legs, lacked a shell, and were covered in Cheetah fur
  • While abrosaurus can still technically be classified as an herbivore, paleontologists have established that foliage of the time was sentient and bulging with blood
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