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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird

The discovery of a new fossil suggests the archaeopteryx may have been more of a bird-like dinosaur than a dinosaur-like bird. Here are some other examples of commonly held beliefs refuted by recent archaeological finds:

  • The apatosaurus actually called brontosaurus by other dinosaurs
  • A fully preserved woolly mammoth discovered in Siberia reveals they all had luxurious platinum-blond fur
  • Stegosaurus plates evolved to protect animal from its own useless spike-tail
  • New evidence has led scientists to conclude this one big bone they found is not the entire skeleton of some elbow-shaped animal, but actually just one of many bones making up a larger animal
  • Ancient turtles moved lightning quick, had long legs, lacked a shell, and were covered in Cheetah fur
  • While abrosaurus can still technically be classified as an herbivore, paleontologists have established that foliage of the time was sentient and bulging with blood

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