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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Olympic Torch Relay Difficulties

Roughhousing protesters forced Beijing Olympics personnel to extinguish the torch three times as the relay crossed France, but those were far from the only problems faced by China's much-criticized Olympic organizers:

Beijing, China: The torch relay starts in this city, providing a symbolic reminder of what a huge mistake it was to hold the Olympics in Beijing

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: Olympic gold medalist Lim Keng Liat totally forgets to embody the spirit of harmony and goodwill the flame represents during the first 450 feet of her relay

San Francisco: A runner carrying the Olympic torch accidentally collides with a runner carrying the Special Olympics extremely dry bush

Atlanta: Though the torch isn't scheduled to make a stop in this former Olympic host city, Muhammad Ali is still standing in the exact same spot he was back in 1996

London, England: Some idiot just throws torch in garbage

Olympia, Greece: Brief delay as officials are unable to determine whether or not Zeus himself lit the flame or if he had Hephaestus do it for him

Lake Como, Italy: Everyone is embarrassed for Italian torch-relay member Giuseppe Colgano when he detours eight blocks to his ex-wife's house and tells her "I am carrying this torch for you"

Muscat, Oman: Runner Batal Al Qaws performs the relay torch transition with his wrong hand, and his receiver Saad Al Shemmari unwittingly runs 1.4 miles proudly carrying a foot-long hot dog in the air

Istanbul, Turkey: Frustrated officials are unable to catch the rascally rabbit that keeps blowing out the torch whenever they turn their heads

Islamabad, Pakistan: After Chinese officials send him food and water to get him healthy enough to carry the torch, a refreshed and reenergized Osama bin Laden runs over three miles

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