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Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee

Despite its high-caliber journalism, The Onion has once again been snubbed by the body that awards the Pulitzer Prizes. Here's what's wrong with the Pulitzer Board:

  • A cabal of aging virgins whose only hope is a pity-lay from the sluts at The New York Times or The Philadelphia Inquirer
  • Too stupid to fully grasp implications of threats
  • Unwilling to acknowledge any publication not financially in the red
  • Board member Junot Díaz was rejected by The Onion three times in 1994, and this is his sick and twisted form of revenge
  • Extremely convoluted bribery requirements
  • Disrespects the work of The Onion's brave war photographers due to prejudice against minors
  • Only able to get their withered old rocks off anymore by seeing the word "Katrina" written in a serifed font
  • Bunch of babies pooping in their baby diapers
  • Just not very good at their jobs

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