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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee

Despite its high-caliber journalism, The Onion has once again been snubbed by the body that awards the Pulitzer Prizes. Here's what's wrong with the Pulitzer Board:

  • A cabal of aging virgins whose only hope is a pity-lay from the sluts at The New York Times or The Philadelphia Inquirer
  • Too stupid to fully grasp implications of threats
  • Unwilling to acknowledge any publication not financially in the red
  • Board member Junot Díaz was rejected by The Onion three times in 1994, and this is his sick and twisted form of revenge
  • Extremely convoluted bribery requirements
  • Disrespects the work of The Onion's brave war photographers due to prejudice against minors
  • Only able to get their withered old rocks off anymore by seeing the word "Katrina" written in a serifed font
  • Bunch of babies pooping in their baby diapers
  • Just not very good at their jobs

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