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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Onion Sports 2008 College Football Rankings

1. Georgia: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes scouts uneasy

2. Ohio State: Have more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad

3. USC: Trojans have enough talent to direct a box-office smash hit movie and write an Emmy-award winning show; however, are not quite as good at football

4. Florida: The Gators' defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

5. Michigan: Did we say fifth? Sorry, we meant 53rd; didn't mean to be insufferable arrogant pricks about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good

6. Missouri: The Tigers received their highest ranking ever this season, proving it pays to sign up early for the NCAA

7. Oklahoma: Honestly, this one is just a space filler

8. Texas Tech: The Red Raiders will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

9. Auburn: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves but will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points

10. Wisconsin: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren't for lame "Jump Around" celebration, annoying marching band

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