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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports 2008 College Football Rankings

1. Georgia: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes scouts uneasy

2. Ohio State: Have more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad

3. USC: Trojans have enough talent to direct a box-office smash hit movie and write an Emmy-award winning show; however, are not quite as good at football

4. Florida: The Gators' defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

5. Michigan: Did we say fifth? Sorry, we meant 53rd; didn't mean to be insufferable arrogant pricks about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good

6. Missouri: The Tigers received their highest ranking ever this season, proving it pays to sign up early for the NCAA

7. Oklahoma: Honestly, this one is just a space filler

8. Texas Tech: The Red Raiders will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

9. Auburn: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves but will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points

10. Wisconsin: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren't for lame "Jump Around" celebration, annoying marching band

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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