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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Onion Sports 2011 Mock NFL Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here's how OSN predicts the first ten picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  • Carolina Panthers: QB Cam Newton. Would bring with him the much-needed knowledge of what touchdowns are and how to get them
  • Denver Broncos: DT Marcell Dareus. Though anyone could play better defense than the current Broncos team, it seems like a big, strong guy with college experience would be a good way to go
  • Buffalo Bills: LB Von Miller. Miller excels at running toward the guy who has the ball, which is something the Bills defense has failed to do for years
  • Cincinnati Bengals: WR Greg Salas. Despite a rather sparse draft class, the Bengals still somehow manage to make the worst possible pick
  • Arizona Cardinals: QB Cam Newton. The Cardinals will then shamefully admit to Commissioner Goodell that they weren't paying attention, apologize, and select WR Greg Salas instead
  • Cleveland Browns: WR A.J. Green. Might be able to make some impressive grabs if Colt McCoy can reach him
  • San Francisco: CB Patrick Peterson. San Fran has been looking to shore up its pass defense after giving up more than 27 million yards in the air last season
  • New England Patriots: DE Robert Quinn. A savvy organization like New England isn't going to let the fact that they have the 17th pick prevent them from picking eighth
  • Dallas Cowboys: OT Tyron Smith. He’s the strongest tackle in the draft, and he fits right in with the Cowboys, what with being an idiot and all
  • Washington Redskins: Bust. The Redskins will stick to their draft-day formula, selecting somebody who can familiarize himself with their system immediately

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