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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports 2011 Mock NFL Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here's how OSN predicts the first ten picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  • Carolina Panthers: QB Cam Newton. Would bring with him the much-needed knowledge of what touchdowns are and how to get them
  • Denver Broncos: DT Marcell Dareus. Though anyone could play better defense than the current Broncos team, it seems like a big, strong guy with college experience would be a good way to go
  • Buffalo Bills: LB Von Miller. Miller excels at running toward the guy who has the ball, which is something the Bills defense has failed to do for years
  • Cincinnati Bengals: WR Greg Salas. Despite a rather sparse draft class, the Bengals still somehow manage to make the worst possible pick
  • Arizona Cardinals: QB Cam Newton. The Cardinals will then shamefully admit to Commissioner Goodell that they weren't paying attention, apologize, and select WR Greg Salas instead
  • Cleveland Browns: WR A.J. Green. Might be able to make some impressive grabs if Colt McCoy can reach him
  • San Francisco: CB Patrick Peterson. San Fran has been looking to shore up its pass defense after giving up more than 27 million yards in the air last season
  • New England Patriots: DE Robert Quinn. A savvy organization like New England isn't going to let the fact that they have the 17th pick prevent them from picking eighth
  • Dallas Cowboys: OT Tyron Smith. He’s the strongest tackle in the draft, and he fits right in with the Cowboys, what with being an idiot and all
  • Washington Redskins: Bust. The Redskins will stick to their draft-day formula, selecting somebody who can familiarize himself with their system immediately

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