Onion Sports 2013 Mock NFL Draft

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports 2013 Mock NFL Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs: OT Luke Joeckel. Honestly, he’s just all right, but it would mean so much to him to see that number 1 next to his name and get those millions of dollars
  2. Jacksonville Jaguars: DE Dion Jordan. At 6’6” and 250 pounds, Jordan is the ideal defensive end to waste the first few years of his career in Jacksonville
  3. Oakland Raiders: DT Sharrif Floyd. After a rough childhood bouncing between multiple homes, the heartwarming story of Sharrif Floyd will abruptly come to an end the second he gets drafted by the Raiders
  4. Philadelphia Eagles: QB Geno Smith. A mobile, quick quarterback with a strong arm, the Eagles will finally have an offensive weapon the likes of which they haven’t had since Michael Vick
  5. Detroit Lions: OT Eric Fisher. Lions need a tackle with a lot of strength and endurance, as that person will be spending the majority of his time scooping up Matthew Stafford from the ground
  6. Cleveland Browns: CB Dee Milliner. C’mon, it’s the goddamn Browns, so does it really matter?
  7. Arizona Cardinals: OT Lane Johnson. Johnson has the talent to play well in the NFL but will need a lot of motivation in order to protect the Cardinals’ horrible, horrible investment in Carson Palmer
  8. Buffalo Bills: WR Cordarrelle Patterson. The Bills front office is in agreement that Patterson will make the perfect mediocre receiver to complement the team’s new mediocre quarterback
  9. New York Jets: DE Ziggy Ansah. One of the most athletically gifted prospects in the draft, but the Jets should still manage to fuck up this kid’s entire career
  10. Tennessee Titans: DT Star Lotulelei. Has all the tools to become one of the prominent defensive tackles in the league, but who knows what will actually happen? We can’t tell the future, and the honest-to-God truth is that nobody can. He could be great, he could be decent, he could be mediocre, he could be terrible—there’s no way of knowing for sure with all the variables at play here. Sometimes you just gotta plunge in, hope for the best, and see how it all shakes out, you know?

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.


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