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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  1. Houston Texans: DE Jadeveon Clowney. As college football’s best defensive end and most sensual lover, Clowney is the Draft’s consensus number-one pick
  2. St. Louis Rams: OT Greg Robinson. Although easily the most talented player available at this pick, his ability to explode out of his stance and control the line of scrimmage may make him an odd fit in the Rams’ offensive scheme
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars: LB Khalil Mack. With their inert offense, the Jags need a player exactly like Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel
  4. Cleveland Browns: QB Johnny Manziel. Given his ability to extend plays with his gutsiness and determination to win at all costs, Manziel has all of the intangibles teams like the Browns never think to look for
  5. Oakland Raiders: TE Eric Ebron. The Raiders organization lacks a long-term solution at quarterback, an effective defense, a competent coaching staff, and an ownership willing to invest in the team’s future, but a 21-year-old tight end should fix all of that
  6. Atlanta Falcons: OT Jake Matthews. After a wildly disappointing 2013, selecting a tackle in the first round is the kind of sexy pick that will fire up fans again
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: WR Sammy Watkins. With a seemingly limitless upside, Watkins is a high caliber, game-changing pass-catcher who could easily transform the Bucs from a 4-12 team to a 5-11 team
  8. Minnesota Vikings: DT Aaron Donald would be an excellent choice here, but the Vikings could easily choose to trade and move down several picks, which would really fuck up this mock draft because none of these selections take place in a vacuum. You should know that there’s just a lot of cause-and-effect in this whole process that we simply can’t predict, so take everything you’ve read here with a sizable grain of salt
  9. Buffalo Bills: OT Taylor Lewan. Known as a mauler with a serious mean streak, the 6’7”, 309-pound tackle will be a natural fit in Buffalo’s bar scene.
  10. Detroit Lions: CB Darqueze Dennard. This Big Ten standout is expected to make big contributions to the Lions’ defense for the 45 minutes or so it’s on the field every game

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