Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

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Vol 50 Issue 18

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  1. Houston Texans: DE Jadeveon Clowney. As college football’s best defensive end and most sensual lover, Clowney is the Draft’s consensus number-one pick
  2. St. Louis Rams: OT Greg Robinson. Although easily the most talented player available at this pick, his ability to explode out of his stance and control the line of scrimmage may make him an odd fit in the Rams’ offensive scheme
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars: LB Khalil Mack. With their inert offense, the Jags need a player exactly like Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel
  4. Cleveland Browns: QB Johnny Manziel. Given his ability to extend plays with his gutsiness and determination to win at all costs, Manziel has all of the intangibles teams like the Browns never think to look for
  5. Oakland Raiders: TE Eric Ebron. The Raiders organization lacks a long-term solution at quarterback, an effective defense, a competent coaching staff, and an ownership willing to invest in the team’s future, but a 21-year-old tight end should fix all of that
  6. Atlanta Falcons: OT Jake Matthews. After a wildly disappointing 2013, selecting a tackle in the first round is the kind of sexy pick that will fire up fans again
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: WR Sammy Watkins. With a seemingly limitless upside, Watkins is a high caliber, game-changing pass-catcher who could easily transform the Bucs from a 4-12 team to a 5-11 team
  8. Minnesota Vikings: DT Aaron Donald would be an excellent choice here, but the Vikings could easily choose to trade and move down several picks, which would really fuck up this mock draft because none of these selections take place in a vacuum. You should know that there’s just a lot of cause-and-effect in this whole process that we simply can’t predict, so take everything you’ve read here with a sizable grain of salt
  9. Buffalo Bills: OT Taylor Lewan. Known as a mauler with a serious mean streak, the 6’7”, 309-pound tackle will be a natural fit in Buffalo’s bar scene.
  10. Detroit Lions: CB Darqueze Dennard. This Big Ten standout is expected to make big contributions to the Lions’ defense for the 45 minutes or so it’s on the field every game
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