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Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:

  1. Houston Texans: DE Jadeveon Clowney. As college football’s best defensive end and most sensual lover, Clowney is the Draft’s consensus number-one pick
  2. St. Louis Rams: OT Greg Robinson. Although easily the most talented player available at this pick, his ability to explode out of his stance and control the line of scrimmage may make him an odd fit in the Rams’ offensive scheme
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars: LB Khalil Mack. With their inert offense, the Jags need a player exactly like Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel
  4. Cleveland Browns: QB Johnny Manziel. Given his ability to extend plays with his gutsiness and determination to win at all costs, Manziel has all of the intangibles teams like the Browns never think to look for
  5. Oakland Raiders: TE Eric Ebron. The Raiders organization lacks a long-term solution at quarterback, an effective defense, a competent coaching staff, and an ownership willing to invest in the team’s future, but a 21-year-old tight end should fix all of that
  6. Atlanta Falcons: OT Jake Matthews. After a wildly disappointing 2013, selecting a tackle in the first round is the kind of sexy pick that will fire up fans again
  7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: WR Sammy Watkins. With a seemingly limitless upside, Watkins is a high caliber, game-changing pass-catcher who could easily transform the Bucs from a 4-12 team to a 5-11 team
  8. Minnesota Vikings: DT Aaron Donald would be an excellent choice here, but the Vikings could easily choose to trade and move down several picks, which would really fuck up this mock draft because none of these selections take place in a vacuum. You should know that there’s just a lot of cause-and-effect in this whole process that we simply can’t predict, so take everything you’ve read here with a sizable grain of salt
  9. Buffalo Bills: OT Taylor Lewan. Known as a mauler with a serious mean streak, the 6’7”, 309-pound tackle will be a natural fit in Buffalo’s bar scene.
  10. Detroit Lions: CB Darqueze Dennard. This Big Ten standout is expected to make big contributions to the Lions’ defense for the 45 minutes or so it’s on the field every game

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