Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams

With March Madness just around the corner, Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis on which teams will make or miss the NCAA tournament.

  • Villanova: Like a team that’s second in the nation in free-throw attempts isn’t getting into the tourney? Yeah right, try to stop them, NCAA
  • La Salle: This is a team with a lot of spunk and a whole lot of heart but almost no pluck whatsoever—they face an uphill battle
  • Iowa: Accidentally filled out NCAA form 5601-G instead of 5691-J, leaving them on the outside looking in
  • Kentucky: Disappointing performance this season makes them an unlikely selection, but they have shown the committee flashes of the kind of serious NCAA violations a John Calipari team needs to go deep
  • Temple University: A strong finish to the regular season could set up the Owls for their most recent first-round exit since 2012
  • Gonzaga: The number-one team in the nation, sure, but how good can they really be?
  • Baylor: Their policy of outright refusal to shoot free throws during games will only serve to hurt Baylor down the stretch
  • University of Utah: The Utes had one of the most intimidating schedules coming into the season, which somewhat explains their 11-17 record
  • Northwestern: Don’t discount the Wildcats—6’5” guard Drew Crawford is the chair of the 2013 NCAA selection committee


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