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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games:

Redskins at Vikings

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, it would be time to start pointing fingers, but that’s a big if.

Bills at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – The Bills find themselves in the middle of yet another NFL season.

Bengals at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – The Bengals are really going to miss having Geno Atkins’ massive body while piling on top of Joe Flacco.

Lions at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Do not go to this game. The Bears will win, but we saw something else in the prediction. Something in the crowd. There’s no time to explain. Just get as far away from Chicago as possible.

Eagles at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Philadelphia secondary is going to be constantly frustrated by Packers quarterback Seneca Wallace, who will not throw passes far enough for interceptions.

Rams at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts – The Rams are used to playing in a dome, but not in a loud dome.

Jaguars at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The Jaguars are the team to beat this season.

Raiders at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – Coming off back-to-back wins over two shitty teams, the Giants will continue their pathetic little resurgence with another hollow victory over the Raiders.

Seahawks at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Falcons quarterback gets Roddy White back this week, providing the play caller with another dejected face in the huddle.

Panthers at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Humanity – All it takes is one questionable call, an uncontrollable fit of rage, and that vein popping out of Jim Harbaugh’s forehead bursts, instantaneously killing the coach.

Broncos at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Interim head coach Jack Del Rio will have to prove he is capable of nodding along to whatever Peyton Manning says.

Texans at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – If the season ended today we wouldn’t have to watch this game.

Cowboys at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Drew Brees and the Saints must put last week’s loss to the Jets out of their minds and focus on the Jets’ imminent collapse during the second half of the season.

Dolphins at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Could the Richie Incognito–Jonathan Martin story play some part in ESPN’s pregame buildup to this Monday Night Football game? It’s still unclear, but Onion Sports is going out on a limb and predicting it will.

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