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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games:

Redskins at Vikings

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, it would be time to start pointing fingers, but that’s a big if.

Bills at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – The Bills find themselves in the middle of yet another NFL season.

Bengals at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – The Bengals are really going to miss having Geno Atkins’ massive body while piling on top of Joe Flacco.

Lions at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Do not go to this game. The Bears will win, but we saw something else in the prediction. Something in the crowd. There’s no time to explain. Just get as far away from Chicago as possible.

Eagles at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Philadelphia secondary is going to be constantly frustrated by Packers quarterback Seneca Wallace, who will not throw passes far enough for interceptions.

Rams at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts – The Rams are used to playing in a dome, but not in a loud dome.

Jaguars at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The Jaguars are the team to beat this season.

Raiders at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – Coming off back-to-back wins over two shitty teams, the Giants will continue their pathetic little resurgence with another hollow victory over the Raiders.

Seahawks at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Falcons quarterback gets Roddy White back this week, providing the play caller with another dejected face in the huddle.

Panthers at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Humanity – All it takes is one questionable call, an uncontrollable fit of rage, and that vein popping out of Jim Harbaugh’s forehead bursts, instantaneously killing the coach.

Broncos at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Interim head coach Jack Del Rio will have to prove he is capable of nodding along to whatever Peyton Manning says.

Texans at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – If the season ended today we wouldn’t have to watch this game.

Cowboys at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Drew Brees and the Saints must put last week’s loss to the Jets out of their minds and focus on the Jets’ imminent collapse during the second half of the season.

Dolphins at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Could the Richie Incognito–Jonathan Martin story play some part in ESPN’s pregame buildup to this Monday Night Football game? It’s still unclear, but Onion Sports is going out on a limb and predicting it will.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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