adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games:

Redskins at Vikings

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, it would be time to start pointing fingers, but that’s a big if.

Bills at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – The Bills find themselves in the middle of yet another NFL season.

Bengals at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – The Bengals are really going to miss having Geno Atkins’ massive body while piling on top of Joe Flacco.

Lions at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Do not go to this game. The Bears will win, but we saw something else in the prediction. Something in the crowd. There’s no time to explain. Just get as far away from Chicago as possible.

Eagles at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Philadelphia secondary is going to be constantly frustrated by Packers quarterback Seneca Wallace, who will not throw passes far enough for interceptions.

Rams at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts – The Rams are used to playing in a dome, but not in a loud dome.

Jaguars at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The Jaguars are the team to beat this season.

Raiders at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – Coming off back-to-back wins over two shitty teams, the Giants will continue their pathetic little resurgence with another hollow victory over the Raiders.

Seahawks at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Falcons quarterback gets Roddy White back this week, providing the play caller with another dejected face in the huddle.

Panthers at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Humanity – All it takes is one questionable call, an uncontrollable fit of rage, and that vein popping out of Jim Harbaugh’s forehead bursts, instantaneously killing the coach.

Broncos at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Interim head coach Jack Del Rio will have to prove he is capable of nodding along to whatever Peyton Manning says.

Texans at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – If the season ended today we wouldn’t have to watch this game.

Cowboys at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Drew Brees and the Saints must put last week’s loss to the Jets out of their minds and focus on the Jets’ imminent collapse during the second half of the season.

Dolphins at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Could the Richie Incognito–Jonathan Martin story play some part in ESPN’s pregame buildup to this Monday Night Football game? It’s still unclear, but Onion Sports is going out on a limb and predicting it will.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close