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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 11 games:

Colts at Titans

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Titans – Jumping out to an early 14-0 lead and holding onto it will be just what the Titans need to turn their season around.

Lions at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Expect Pittsburgh to rack up a ton of yards carting injured players back to the locker room.

Jets at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Ed Reed will send a clear message to the Texans that he’s just as washed-up and slow as they thought he was when they cut him last week.

Ravens at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – The OSN Stats Bureau indicates that quarterback Joe Flacco has only completed 15 percent of his passes that weren’t some fluky bullshit where it was tipped or the receiver had to jump up 10 feet to haul it down.

Redskins at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Though the Redskins will likely pull this game out, one thing is certain: Philadelphia fans will stick by their team no matter what happens.

Falcons at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Buccaneers – Tampa Bay will be counting on strong performances from Tampa Bay running back, Tampa Bay quarterback, and of course, Tampa Bay tight end.

Browns at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Browns – OSN’s oracle suffered violent convulsions and began spewing fetid black tar, so we just assumed she meant Cleveland.

Cardinals at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Cardinals will snap the Jags’ longest winning streak of the season.

Raiders at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – Houston defensive coordinator Wade Phillips will be more than prepared to pull defensive levers, twist defensive dials, and push defensive buttons.

Chargers at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – The Dolphins are coming off the first of two straight losses.

49ers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Jim Harbaugh will motivate his players before the game by holding a knife to his throat and threatening to seriously do it if they lose this week.

Packers at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – The Giants are proving they can beat just about any team that has an inexperienced, ineffective quarterback.

Vikings at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – The Seahawks have had this game circled on their calendar since Wednesday.

Chiefs at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – If there’s a team to snap the Chiefs’ undefeated record, it’s the Broncos, 49ers, Patriots, Seahawks, Saints, or Colts.

Patriots at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – Expect the red-hot Panthers to continue to burn through their competition, with all 53 Carolina players merging into a blinding white orb of unfathomable heat that incinerates the earth and everything living on it.

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