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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 12 games:

Saints at Falcons

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Saints – Drew Brees will throw for 19 touchdowns in a 17-13 Saints win.

Jets at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Geno Smith will need to come in and just manage this game while the Jets continue to patiently wait for the return of Mark Sanchez.

Steelers at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Steelers or Browns – Win or lose, these teams need to run the ball as much as possible to eat the clock and get this godforsaken game over with as fast as fucking possible.

Panthers at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – This game is a matchup between a quality defense and a quality offense and the Dolphins.

Bears at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Don’t be surprised if at some point the St. Louis crowd starts chanting for Brady Quinn to kill himself.

Buccaneers at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Detroit will hand Tampa Bay their first loss of the week.

Vikings at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – Running back Adrian Peterson is on pace to shatter Barry Sanders’ NFL record for most talent wasted on a horrible team.

Jaguars at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – Andre Johnson will find it easy to get separation when storming out of the offensive huddle toward the sideline.

Chargers at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Following their first loss, the Chiefs will return to what they do best: beating terrible teams at home.

Colts at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Colts will be looking to come out of this game with a win. The Cardinals, meanwhile, will be trying to get a victory of their own—but then again, so will the Colts, so it’s quite complicated.

Titans at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The big question is, which Titans offense will show up against the Raiders: the one that ran all over the Rams three weeks ago, or the 2003 roster led by Steve McNair and Eddie George?

Cowboys at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – Surely it is some kind of cruel joke that we only get to see one of these teams win.

Broncos at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – A concussed Wes Welker will certainly make a levelheaded and emotionally detached decision about playing in this game.

49ers at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – The 49ers will still be struggling to adjust to the new NFL rule that forbids physical contact with a quarterback during sacks.

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