Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

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Vol 49 Issue 48

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?

Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye througho...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 12 games:

Saints at Falcons

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Saints – Drew Brees will throw for 19 touchdowns in a 17-13 Saints win.

Jets at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Geno Smith will need to come in and just manage this game while the Jets continue to patiently wait for the return of Mark Sanchez.

Steelers at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Steelers or Browns – Win or lose, these teams need to run the ball as much as possible to eat the clock and get this godforsaken game over with as fast as fucking possible.

Panthers at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – This game is a matchup between a quality defense and a quality offense and the Dolphins.

Bears at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Don’t be surprised if at some point the St. Louis crowd starts chanting for Brady Quinn to kill himself.

Buccaneers at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Detroit will hand Tampa Bay their first loss of the week.

Vikings at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – Running back Adrian Peterson is on pace to shatter Barry Sanders’ NFL record for most talent wasted on a horrible team.

Jaguars at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – Andre Johnson will find it easy to get separation when storming out of the offensive huddle toward the sideline.

Chargers at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Following their first loss, the Chiefs will return to what they do best: beating terrible teams at home.

Colts at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Colts will be looking to come out of this game with a win. The Cardinals, meanwhile, will be trying to get a victory of their own—but then again, so will the Colts, so it’s quite complicated.

Titans at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The big question is, which Titans offense will show up against the Raiders: the one that ran all over the Rams three weeks ago, or the 2003 roster led by Steve McNair and Eddie George?

Cowboys at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – Surely it is some kind of cruel joke that we only get to see one of these teams win.

Broncos at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – A concussed Wes Welker will certainly make a levelheaded and emotionally detached decision about playing in this game.

49ers at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – The 49ers will still be struggling to adjust to the new NFL rule that forbids physical contact with a quarterback during sacks.

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