Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 12 games:

Saints at Falcons

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Saints – Drew Brees will throw for 19 touchdowns in a 17-13 Saints win.

Jets at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Geno Smith will need to come in and just manage this game while the Jets continue to patiently wait for the return of Mark Sanchez.

Steelers at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Steelers or Browns – Win or lose, these teams need to run the ball as much as possible to eat the clock and get this godforsaken game over with as fast as fucking possible.

Panthers at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – This game is a matchup between a quality defense and a quality offense and the Dolphins.

Bears at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Don’t be surprised if at some point the St. Louis crowd starts chanting for Brady Quinn to kill himself.

Buccaneers at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Detroit will hand Tampa Bay their first loss of the week.

Vikings at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – Running back Adrian Peterson is on pace to shatter Barry Sanders’ NFL record for most talent wasted on a horrible team.

Jaguars at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – Andre Johnson will find it easy to get separation when storming out of the offensive huddle toward the sideline.

Chargers at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Following their first loss, the Chiefs will return to what they do best: beating terrible teams at home.

Colts at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Colts will be looking to come out of this game with a win. The Cardinals, meanwhile, will be trying to get a victory of their own—but then again, so will the Colts, so it’s quite complicated.

Titans at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Titans – The big question is, which Titans offense will show up against the Raiders: the one that ran all over the Rams three weeks ago, or the 2003 roster led by Steve McNair and Eddie George?

Cowboys at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – Surely it is some kind of cruel joke that we only get to see one of these teams win.

Broncos at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – A concussed Wes Welker will certainly make a levelheaded and emotionally detached decision about playing in this game.

49ers at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – The 49ers will still be struggling to adjust to the new NFL rule that forbids physical contact with a quarterback during sacks.


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