Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

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Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...

NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones

According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide belonging to both Americans and foreigners, with the agency collecting nearly 5 ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:

Texans at Jaguars

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner Bob McNair will reassure fans that Coach Kubiak is an integral part of the Texans’ plans for the future.

Vikings at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Expect the Ravens to edge out a win in this highly anticipated new chapter of the Cassel-Flacco Bowl.

Browns at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Tom Brady should take advantage of the Browns’ secondary by targeting the big dumb fuck or the annoying little pricks.

Colts at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals or Colts – Who fucking knows? We’re just trying to get through this goddamn football season like the rest of you lumps of shit.

Lions at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Lions – With both Detroit and Philadelphia possessing respectable records and aiming for a playoff berth, it’s clear that we’ve entered some kind of ethereal second reality in which nothing can be trusted.

Falcons at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – OSN’s oracle pulled a slip reading “Green Bay” from a hat filled with steaming pig entrails.

Chiefs at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Washington pulls it out in a stunner no one except Alex Smith and crooked Las Vegas bookie Dom Corrigan saw coming.

Raiders at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Raiders – This is an even matchup in which anything could happen, including a thoroughly uninteresting game.

Dolphins at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Mike Wallace will have an emotional return to Heinz Field, where he was not long ago one of the league’s top receivers and only privately a homophobic, loudmouthed piece of shit.

Bills at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Bills – Two gladiators enter a ring. Neither has any idea they are gladiators or in a ring.

Titans at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – The Titans are hoping for a ton of snow, presumably so they can build a franchise quarterback.

Giants at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – With Eli Manning’s interceptions finally drying up, the Giants will continue finding new and creative ways to turn over the ball.

Eagles at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – The matchup no one is talking about.

Seahawks at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Colin Kaepernick is the most dynamic young running quarterback of 2012.

Rams at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – Christ, there are a lot of games this week. Uh...Cardinals.

Panthers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Like all teams this season, the Panthers will struggle in the fiery atmosphere of the underground Superdome 3,000 miles below the surface of the earth.

Cowboys at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Two middle-of-the-road teams clash in a game with deep implications for both the NFC East race and and the future of neurological research.

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