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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:

Texans at Jaguars

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner Bob McNair will reassure fans that Coach Kubiak is an integral part of the Texans’ plans for the future.

Vikings at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Expect the Ravens to edge out a win in this highly anticipated new chapter of the Cassel-Flacco Bowl.

Browns at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Tom Brady should take advantage of the Browns’ secondary by targeting the big dumb fuck or the annoying little pricks.

Colts at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals or Colts – Who fucking knows? We’re just trying to get through this goddamn football season like the rest of you lumps of shit.

Lions at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Lions – With both Detroit and Philadelphia possessing respectable records and aiming for a playoff berth, it’s clear that we’ve entered some kind of ethereal second reality in which nothing can be trusted.

Falcons at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – OSN’s oracle pulled a slip reading “Green Bay” from a hat filled with steaming pig entrails.

Chiefs at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Washington pulls it out in a stunner no one except Alex Smith and crooked Las Vegas bookie Dom Corrigan saw coming.

Raiders at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Raiders – This is an even matchup in which anything could happen, including a thoroughly uninteresting game.

Dolphins at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Mike Wallace will have an emotional return to Heinz Field, where he was not long ago one of the league’s top receivers and only privately a homophobic, loudmouthed piece of shit.

Bills at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Bills – Two gladiators enter a ring. Neither has any idea they are gladiators or in a ring.

Titans at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – The Titans are hoping for a ton of snow, presumably so they can build a franchise quarterback.

Giants at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – With Eli Manning’s interceptions finally drying up, the Giants will continue finding new and creative ways to turn over the ball.

Eagles at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – The matchup no one is talking about.

Seahawks at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Colin Kaepernick is the most dynamic young running quarterback of 2012.

Rams at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – Christ, there are a lot of games this week. Uh...Cardinals.

Panthers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Like all teams this season, the Panthers will struggle in the fiery atmosphere of the underground Superdome 3,000 miles below the surface of the earth.

Cowboys at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Two middle-of-the-road teams clash in a game with deep implications for both the NFC East race and and the future of neurological research.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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