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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:

Texans at Jaguars

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner Bob McNair will reassure fans that Coach Kubiak is an integral part of the Texans’ plans for the future.

Vikings at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Expect the Ravens to edge out a win in this highly anticipated new chapter of the Cassel-Flacco Bowl.

Browns at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Tom Brady should take advantage of the Browns’ secondary by targeting the big dumb fuck or the annoying little pricks.

Colts at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals or Colts – Who fucking knows? We’re just trying to get through this goddamn football season like the rest of you lumps of shit.

Lions at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Lions – With both Detroit and Philadelphia possessing respectable records and aiming for a playoff berth, it’s clear that we’ve entered some kind of ethereal second reality in which nothing can be trusted.

Falcons at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – OSN’s oracle pulled a slip reading “Green Bay” from a hat filled with steaming pig entrails.

Chiefs at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Washington pulls it out in a stunner no one except Alex Smith and crooked Las Vegas bookie Dom Corrigan saw coming.

Raiders at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Raiders – This is an even matchup in which anything could happen, including a thoroughly uninteresting game.

Dolphins at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Mike Wallace will have an emotional return to Heinz Field, where he was not long ago one of the league’s top receivers and only privately a homophobic, loudmouthed piece of shit.

Bills at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Bills – Two gladiators enter a ring. Neither has any idea they are gladiators or in a ring.

Titans at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – The Titans are hoping for a ton of snow, presumably so they can build a franchise quarterback.

Giants at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – With Eli Manning’s interceptions finally drying up, the Giants will continue finding new and creative ways to turn over the ball.

Eagles at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – The matchup no one is talking about.

Seahawks at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Colin Kaepernick is the most dynamic young running quarterback of 2012.

Rams at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – Christ, there are a lot of games this week. Uh...Cardinals.

Panthers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Like all teams this season, the Panthers will struggle in the fiery atmosphere of the underground Superdome 3,000 miles below the surface of the earth.

Cowboys at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Two middle-of-the-road teams clash in a game with deep implications for both the NFC East race and and the future of neurological research.

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