Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

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Vol 49 Issue 43

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The Walking Dead

AMC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT In the eagerly anticipated conclusion to last season’s heart-stopping cliffhanger, an obscured shape staggering toward the characters in the midst of an orchestral swell turns out to be a zombie.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:

Panthers at Buccaneers

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Panthers – The game ball will go to Carolina kicker Graham Gano, whose successful extra-point attempt in the second quarter will be the nail in the coffin as the Panthers cruise to a 31-13 win.

Bills at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints offensive line matches up very well against Mario Williams.

Browns at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Head coach Andy Reid had the team prepare all week to face either a dreadful or a completely fucking horrendous quarterback.

49ers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Once again this is a very bad matchup for the Jaguars as San Francisco is a professional football team.

Cowboys at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Dez Bryant proves he can do anything Calvin Johnson can do by putting together an impressive individual performance during his team’s loss.

Dolphins at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Miami's offensive line will breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to block Vince Wilfork, but they’ll have their hands full not blocking Chandler Jones, Tommy Kelly, Rob Ninkovich, Andre Carter, Dont’a Hightower, and Brandon Spikes.

Giants at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants will test Michael Vick’s hamstring early and often while chasing the mobile quarterback into the end zone.

Jets at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Jets – The Bengals’ superior offense, defense, and special teams won’t be enough to contend with the Jets’ fucking bullshit luck.

Steelers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Expect the Steelers to get a tough road win in this historical matchup that means absolutely nothing to anyone under the age of 50.

Redskins at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – As long as Denver’s defense can hold Washington to 54 points or fewer, the Broncos should be fine.

Falcons at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Falcons – Both teams have had their feathers ruffled this season, but this Bird Bowl will provide a chance to keep their slim playoff hopes flying in the sky, and it looks like the Falcons will sharpen their beaks and find a way to regurgitate food into the mouths of their young all the way to victory.

Packers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Packers are going to need to play hard for all two quarters of this game.

Seahawks at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect the Seahawks to send a clear message that Monday night games just fucking suck this season.

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