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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:

Panthers at Buccaneers

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Panthers – The game ball will go to Carolina kicker Graham Gano, whose successful extra-point attempt in the second quarter will be the nail in the coffin as the Panthers cruise to a 31-13 win.

Bills at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints offensive line matches up very well against Mario Williams.

Browns at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Head coach Andy Reid had the team prepare all week to face either a dreadful or a completely fucking horrendous quarterback.

49ers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Once again this is a very bad matchup for the Jaguars as San Francisco is a professional football team.

Cowboys at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Dez Bryant proves he can do anything Calvin Johnson can do by putting together an impressive individual performance during his team’s loss.

Dolphins at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Miami's offensive line will breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to block Vince Wilfork, but they’ll have their hands full not blocking Chandler Jones, Tommy Kelly, Rob Ninkovich, Andre Carter, Dont’a Hightower, and Brandon Spikes.

Giants at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants will test Michael Vick’s hamstring early and often while chasing the mobile quarterback into the end zone.

Jets at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Jets – The Bengals’ superior offense, defense, and special teams won’t be enough to contend with the Jets’ fucking bullshit luck.

Steelers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Expect the Steelers to get a tough road win in this historical matchup that means absolutely nothing to anyone under the age of 50.

Redskins at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – As long as Denver’s defense can hold Washington to 54 points or fewer, the Broncos should be fine.

Falcons at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Falcons – Both teams have had their feathers ruffled this season, but this Bird Bowl will provide a chance to keep their slim playoff hopes flying in the sky, and it looks like the Falcons will sharpen their beaks and find a way to regurgitate food into the mouths of their young all the way to victory.

Packers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Packers are going to need to play hard for all two quarters of this game.

Seahawks at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect the Seahawks to send a clear message that Monday night games just fucking suck this season.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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