adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:

Panthers at Buccaneers

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Panthers – The game ball will go to Carolina kicker Graham Gano, whose successful extra-point attempt in the second quarter will be the nail in the coffin as the Panthers cruise to a 31-13 win.

Bills at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints offensive line matches up very well against Mario Williams.

Browns at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Head coach Andy Reid had the team prepare all week to face either a dreadful or a completely fucking horrendous quarterback.

49ers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Once again this is a very bad matchup for the Jaguars as San Francisco is a professional football team.

Cowboys at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Dez Bryant proves he can do anything Calvin Johnson can do by putting together an impressive individual performance during his team’s loss.

Dolphins at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Miami's offensive line will breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to block Vince Wilfork, but they’ll have their hands full not blocking Chandler Jones, Tommy Kelly, Rob Ninkovich, Andre Carter, Dont’a Hightower, and Brandon Spikes.

Giants at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants will test Michael Vick’s hamstring early and often while chasing the mobile quarterback into the end zone.

Jets at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Jets – The Bengals’ superior offense, defense, and special teams won’t be enough to contend with the Jets’ fucking bullshit luck.

Steelers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Expect the Steelers to get a tough road win in this historical matchup that means absolutely nothing to anyone under the age of 50.

Redskins at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – As long as Denver’s defense can hold Washington to 54 points or fewer, the Broncos should be fine.

Falcons at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Falcons – Both teams have had their feathers ruffled this season, but this Bird Bowl will provide a chance to keep their slim playoff hopes flying in the sky, and it looks like the Falcons will sharpen their beaks and find a way to regurgitate food into the mouths of their young all the way to victory.

Packers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Packers are going to need to play hard for all two quarters of this game.

Seahawks at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect the Seahawks to send a clear message that Monday night games just fucking suck this season.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close