adBlockCheck

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

Top Headlines

Sports

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:

Panthers at Buccaneers

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Panthers – The game ball will go to Carolina kicker Graham Gano, whose successful extra-point attempt in the second quarter will be the nail in the coffin as the Panthers cruise to a 31-13 win.

Bills at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints offensive line matches up very well against Mario Williams.

Browns at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – Head coach Andy Reid had the team prepare all week to face either a dreadful or a completely fucking horrendous quarterback.

49ers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Once again this is a very bad matchup for the Jaguars as San Francisco is a professional football team.

Cowboys at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Lions – Dez Bryant proves he can do anything Calvin Johnson can do by putting together an impressive individual performance during his team’s loss.

Dolphins at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Miami's offensive line will breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to block Vince Wilfork, but they’ll have their hands full not blocking Chandler Jones, Tommy Kelly, Rob Ninkovich, Andre Carter, Dont’a Hightower, and Brandon Spikes.

Giants at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants will test Michael Vick’s hamstring early and often while chasing the mobile quarterback into the end zone.

Jets at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Jets – The Bengals’ superior offense, defense, and special teams won’t be enough to contend with the Jets’ fucking bullshit luck.

Steelers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Expect the Steelers to get a tough road win in this historical matchup that means absolutely nothing to anyone under the age of 50.

Redskins at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – As long as Denver’s defense can hold Washington to 54 points or fewer, the Broncos should be fine.

Falcons at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Falcons – Both teams have had their feathers ruffled this season, but this Bird Bowl will provide a chance to keep their slim playoff hopes flying in the sky, and it looks like the Falcons will sharpen their beaks and find a way to regurgitate food into the mouths of their young all the way to victory.

Packers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Packers are going to need to play hard for all two quarters of this game.

Seahawks at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect the Seahawks to send a clear message that Monday night games just fucking suck this season.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close