Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

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Vol 49 Issue 40

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games:

Bills at Browns

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his knee and be forced to leave the game, leaving Brandon Weeden to step in and lead the Browns to a 37-24 victory over the Bills. Afterwards, Hoyer will begin wondering if an injury has, in a cruel twist of fate, cost him the starting job he gained when Weeden was ruled out with a thumb sprain in week two. Hoyer will lie awake in bed for hours later that night cutting his left arm, as it gives him a strange yet satisfying sense of control over at least a small portion of his life.

Ravens at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Expect Ray Rice to record at least two tackles this week.

Saints At Bears

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints are motivated, knowing that a loss would put them at risk of only taking the NFC South by three or four games.

Patriots At Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – New England left guard Logan Mankins is better than Cincinnati left guard Clint Boling. It’s as simple as that.

Lions at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – After a disappointing 1-2 start to the season, expect the Pack to do what it takes to keep their playoff delusions alive.

Seahawks at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts – Andrew Luck will lead the Colts to victory over the Seahawks, whose offense will struggle because Russell Wilson is too small to cut it as an NFL quarterback.

Jaguars At Rams

OSN’s Pick: Jaguars – Despite being on the road, the crowd will make this feel like a home game for the Jags.

Chiefs at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Titans – Tennessee hasn’t yet allowed a turnover this season, so TE Delanie Walker sure as fuck better keep a tight grip on that 8-yard screen pass at 7:45 in the third quarter.

Eagles At Giants

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants’ road to 12-4 ends here.

Panthers at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Panthers have so far allowed the fewest yards in the league, but it’s looking increasingly unlikely that they’ll be allowed to play the Giants every week.

Broncos at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Despite Denver’s outright dominance this season, Dallas should be able to keep it close throughout their first drive.

Texans at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Texans WRs will have their hands full trying to break up Matt Schaub’s passes.

Chargers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – This has the potential to be the greatest NFL game ever broadcast at midnight on a Sunday.

Jets at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Geno Smith’s struggles with turnovers will continue as the Jets somehow fall backwards into another fucking win.

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