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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games:

Bills at Browns

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his knee and be forced to leave the game, leaving Brandon Weeden to step in and lead the Browns to a 37-24 victory over the Bills. Afterwards, Hoyer will begin wondering if an injury has, in a cruel twist of fate, cost him the starting job he gained when Weeden was ruled out with a thumb sprain in week two. Hoyer will lie awake in bed for hours later that night cutting his left arm, as it gives him a strange yet satisfying sense of control over at least a small portion of his life.

Ravens at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Expect Ray Rice to record at least two tackles this week.

Saints At Bears

OSN’s Pick: Saints – The Saints are motivated, knowing that a loss would put them at risk of only taking the NFC South by three or four games.

Patriots At Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – New England left guard Logan Mankins is better than Cincinnati left guard Clint Boling. It’s as simple as that.

Lions at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – After a disappointing 1-2 start to the season, expect the Pack to do what it takes to keep their playoff delusions alive.

Seahawks at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts – Andrew Luck will lead the Colts to victory over the Seahawks, whose offense will struggle because Russell Wilson is too small to cut it as an NFL quarterback.

Jaguars At Rams

OSN’s Pick: Jaguars – Despite being on the road, the crowd will make this feel like a home game for the Jags.

Chiefs at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Titans – Tennessee hasn’t yet allowed a turnover this season, so TE Delanie Walker sure as fuck better keep a tight grip on that 8-yard screen pass at 7:45 in the third quarter.

Eagles At Giants

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Giants’ road to 12-4 ends here.

Panthers at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – The Panthers have so far allowed the fewest yards in the league, but it’s looking increasingly unlikely that they’ll be allowed to play the Giants every week.

Broncos at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Despite Denver’s outright dominance this season, Dallas should be able to keep it close throughout their first drive.

Texans at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Texans WRs will have their hands full trying to break up Matt Schaub’s passes.

Chargers at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – This has the potential to be the greatest NFL game ever broadcast at midnight on a Sunday.

Jets at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Jets – Geno Smith’s struggles with turnovers will continue as the Jets somehow fall backwards into another fucking win.

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