Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games:

49ers at Rams

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in a 35-11 win over the Rams, leading San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh to only scream at his wife three times on the car ride home.

Ravens at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Quarterback Joe Flacco could look pretty good this week against a depleted Bills secondary relying on head athletic trainer Bill Carpenter at cornerback.

Bengals at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — The Browns will have no answer for Cincinnati’s elite long snapper Clark Harris.

Bears at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago will prove once and for all that this team has a very easy schedule.

Seahawks at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Russell Wilson and the Seahawks face their greatest test yet against a hostile Texans crowd that don’t take kindly to their type around here.

Colts at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Colts — While we think they should win easily, Andrew Luck and the Colts offense will have a tough time adjusting to the deafening silence of EverBank Field.

Giants at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs — Eli Manning will have another long day of trying to avoid being crushed by the Giants’ toppling offensive line.

Steelers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Steelers — If you have any interest in this game, you probably play for the Steelers or Vikings.

Cardinals at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals — The old witch said Arizona, and she hasn’t been wrong yet.

Jets at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Jets — With Geno Smith leading the way, the Jets will continue their improbable march toward third place in the AFC East.

Broncos at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Chip Kelly’s high-octane Eagles offense will score six touchdowns in this 50-point blowout loss against the Broncos.

Redskins at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Redskins — Raiders pick up where they left off last week as they start the game down 16 points.

Cowboys at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — The Chargers have the odds stacked against them, as they have been very poor against NFL offenses this season.

Patriots At Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — Only a few weeks into the season, we’ve already seen enough: Tom Brady is the real deal.

Dolphins At Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — This prediction is actually a little hazy because the game is so far in the future.


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