adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games:

49ers at Rams

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in a 35-11 win over the Rams, leading San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh to only scream at his wife three times on the car ride home.

Ravens at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Quarterback Joe Flacco could look pretty good this week against a depleted Bills secondary relying on head athletic trainer Bill Carpenter at cornerback.

Bengals at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — The Browns will have no answer for Cincinnati’s elite long snapper Clark Harris.

Bears at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago will prove once and for all that this team has a very easy schedule.

Seahawks at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Russell Wilson and the Seahawks face their greatest test yet against a hostile Texans crowd that don’t take kindly to their type around here.

Colts at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Colts — While we think they should win easily, Andrew Luck and the Colts offense will have a tough time adjusting to the deafening silence of EverBank Field.

Giants at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs — Eli Manning will have another long day of trying to avoid being crushed by the Giants’ toppling offensive line.

Steelers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Steelers — If you have any interest in this game, you probably play for the Steelers or Vikings.

Cardinals at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals — The old witch said Arizona, and she hasn’t been wrong yet.

Jets at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Jets — With Geno Smith leading the way, the Jets will continue their improbable march toward third place in the AFC East.

Broncos at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Chip Kelly’s high-octane Eagles offense will score six touchdowns in this 50-point blowout loss against the Broncos.

Redskins at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Redskins — Raiders pick up where they left off last week as they start the game down 16 points.

Cowboys at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — The Chargers have the odds stacked against them, as they have been very poor against NFL offenses this season.

Patriots At Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — Only a few weeks into the season, we’ve already seen enough: Tom Brady is the real deal.

Dolphins At Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — This prediction is actually a little hazy because the game is so far in the future.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close