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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games:

49ers at Rams

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in a 35-11 win over the Rams, leading San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh to only scream at his wife three times on the car ride home.

Ravens at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Quarterback Joe Flacco could look pretty good this week against a depleted Bills secondary relying on head athletic trainer Bill Carpenter at cornerback.

Bengals at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — The Browns will have no answer for Cincinnati’s elite long snapper Clark Harris.

Bears at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago will prove once and for all that this team has a very easy schedule.

Seahawks at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Russell Wilson and the Seahawks face their greatest test yet against a hostile Texans crowd that don’t take kindly to their type around here.

Colts at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Colts — While we think they should win easily, Andrew Luck and the Colts offense will have a tough time adjusting to the deafening silence of EverBank Field.

Giants at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs — Eli Manning will have another long day of trying to avoid being crushed by the Giants’ toppling offensive line.

Steelers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Steelers — If you have any interest in this game, you probably play for the Steelers or Vikings.

Cardinals at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals — The old witch said Arizona, and she hasn’t been wrong yet.

Jets at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Jets — With Geno Smith leading the way, the Jets will continue their improbable march toward third place in the AFC East.

Broncos at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Chip Kelly’s high-octane Eagles offense will score six touchdowns in this 50-point blowout loss against the Broncos.

Redskins at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Redskins — Raiders pick up where they left off last week as they start the game down 16 points.

Cowboys at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — The Chargers have the odds stacked against them, as they have been very poor against NFL offenses this season.

Patriots At Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — Only a few weeks into the season, we’ve already seen enough: Tom Brady is the real deal.

Dolphins At Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — This prediction is actually a little hazy because the game is so far in the future.

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