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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week nine games:

Bengals at Dolphins

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bengals – Expect a tough and gritty matchup to eventually head to overtime deadlocked at 20-20, but with 6:38 left in the game, the voices in Andy Dalton’s mind—those dark, terrible voices he thought he’d finally rid himself of—start speaking again, louder and louder until he loses concentration and gives up a game-ending safety.

Chiefs at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – This is another favorable matchup for the Chiefs, as the Bills have consistently struggled with winning games that they are playing in.

Falcons at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – Expect this game to have a playoff-like atmosphere, given the dejected Falcons will be eliminated from the postseason.

Vikings at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – Dallas tightens their grip on the NFC East race whether they win or lose.

Saints at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Saints – This battle between Rex and Rob Ryan should settle once and for all which brother is the more competent loudmouthed pile of shit.

Chargers at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – Look for Chargers receivers to show Brandon Meriweather the proper way to hit someone.

Titans at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Rams – With the Rams’ dangerous pass rushers Chris Long and Robert Quinn, Titans quarterback Jake Locker must rely on his mobility if he wants to get off the turf after sacks.

Eagles at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Eagles mustn’t get caught off guard by the devious read option from the Raiders, who will have their hands full trying to decipher Chip Kelly’s secret weapon: the read option.

Buccaneers at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – This game will most likely take Greg Schiano off the hot seat.

Ravens at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Browns – Fans of top-notch pro football should keep their eyes glued to the screen so they don’t miss the two or three brief moments when it occurs during this game.

Steelers at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – The Steelers have never been this much fun to watch.

Colts at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Colts – Don’t let the Texans’ 2-5 record fool you—their two wins were close scrapes against the Chargers and the Titans.

Bears at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – Green Bay’s rookie running back Eddie Lacy will be challenged mentally and physically by the massive, daunting holes in the Bears’ defense.

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