Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week nine games:

Bengals at Dolphins

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bengals – Expect a tough and gritty matchup to eventually head to overtime deadlocked at 20-20, but with 6:38 left in the game, the voices in Andy Dalton’s mind—those dark, terrible voices he thought he’d finally rid himself of—start speaking again, louder and louder until he loses concentration and gives up a game-ending safety.

Chiefs at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – This is another favorable matchup for the Chiefs, as the Bills have consistently struggled with winning games that they are playing in.

Falcons at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – Expect this game to have a playoff-like atmosphere, given the dejected Falcons will be eliminated from the postseason.

Vikings at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – Dallas tightens their grip on the NFC East race whether they win or lose.

Saints at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Saints – This battle between Rex and Rob Ryan should settle once and for all which brother is the more competent loudmouthed pile of shit.

Chargers at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – Look for Chargers receivers to show Brandon Meriweather the proper way to hit someone.

Titans at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Rams – With the Rams’ dangerous pass rushers Chris Long and Robert Quinn, Titans quarterback Jake Locker must rely on his mobility if he wants to get off the turf after sacks.

Eagles at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – The Eagles mustn’t get caught off guard by the devious read option from the Raiders, who will have their hands full trying to decipher Chip Kelly’s secret weapon: the read option.

Buccaneers at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – This game will most likely take Greg Schiano off the hot seat.

Ravens at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Browns – Fans of top-notch pro football should keep their eyes glued to the screen so they don’t miss the two or three brief moments when it occurs during this game.

Steelers at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – The Steelers have never been this much fun to watch.

Colts at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Colts – Don’t let the Texans’ 2-5 record fool you—their two wins were close scrapes against the Chargers and the Titans.

Bears at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – Green Bay’s rookie running back Eddie Lacy will be challenged mentally and physically by the massive, daunting holes in the Bears’ defense.


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