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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games:

Ravens at Broncos

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout of the Ravens, in which Peyton Manning will be 27-42 and throw for 462 yards, 7 touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. The Ravens will struggle behind 2 interceptions from Joe Flacco and a meek 36-yard performance from Ray Rice.

Patriots at Bills

OSN's Pick: Patriots — Expect the Patriots to jump to an early lead and then frequently add to that lead for the entire game.

Dolphins at Browns

OSN's Pick: Browns — Expect Cleveland to edge out Miami in spite of a hostile home crowd.

Seahawks at Panthers

OSN's Pick: Panthers — Real winner is the NFL for sustaining teams in the Charlotte and Seattle markets.

Bengals at Bears

OSN's Pick: Bears — Expect the Bears to open their season with a clear statement that they will get their fans’ hopes up and then crush them at the end of the season.

Vikings at Lions

OSN's Pick: Lions — A narrow Detroit victory will represent only the first volley in this season's hard-fought battle for third place in the NFC North.

Raiders at Colts

OSN's Pick: Colts — Darrius Heyward-Bey gets revenge against the team that drafted him seventh overall and gave him $23.5 million in guaranteed money.

Chiefs at Jaguars

OSN's Pick: Chiefs — Preview of what could be a classic AFC Championship match-up in seven years.

Falcons at Saints

OSN's Pick: Falcons — The Falcons will exploit the glaring holes in the Saints defense slightly more often than the Saints exploit the glaring holes in the Falcons’ defense.

Buccaneers at Jets

OSN's Pick: Buccaneers — It seems like a huge upset, but Onion Sports is going out on a limb and predicting that the Bucs’ defense will at some point find a flaw in Geno Smith’s high-octane passing game.

Titans at Steelers

OSN's Pick: Steelers — The Steelers will just barely edge out the Titans in a tight battle between two defenses, two offenses, and two special teams units.

Packers at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Packers — The Packers are hungry to avenge last year's season-ending loss to the 49ers and by most accounts, motivation is very important in football.

Cardinals at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Rams — Daryl Richardson will run wild over a porous Arizona defense, leaving the Cardinals in an insurmountable 0-1 hole to start the season.

Giants at Cowboys

OSN's Pick: Giants or Cowboys — Onion Sports isn’t watching this game, and we don’t give a shit who wins.

Eagles at Redskins

OSN's Pick: Redskins — With a new head coach this season, the Eagles will know that the pressure is on, so expect them to completely wilt in a 30-point blowout.

Texans at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Texans — The Texans will easily handle the Chargers while only losing several dozen players to season-ending injuries.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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