Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

Top Headlines


Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games:

Ravens at Broncos

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout of the Ravens, in which Peyton Manning will be 27-42 and throw for 462 yards, 7 touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. The Ravens will struggle behind 2 interceptions from Joe Flacco and a meek 36-yard performance from Ray Rice.

Patriots at Bills

OSN's Pick: Patriots — Expect the Patriots to jump to an early lead and then frequently add to that lead for the entire game.

Dolphins at Browns

OSN's Pick: Browns — Expect Cleveland to edge out Miami in spite of a hostile home crowd.

Seahawks at Panthers

OSN's Pick: Panthers — Real winner is the NFL for sustaining teams in the Charlotte and Seattle markets.

Bengals at Bears

OSN's Pick: Bears — Expect the Bears to open their season with a clear statement that they will get their fans’ hopes up and then crush them at the end of the season.

Vikings at Lions

OSN's Pick: Lions — A narrow Detroit victory will represent only the first volley in this season's hard-fought battle for third place in the NFC North.

Raiders at Colts

OSN's Pick: Colts — Darrius Heyward-Bey gets revenge against the team that drafted him seventh overall and gave him $23.5 million in guaranteed money.

Chiefs at Jaguars

OSN's Pick: Chiefs — Preview of what could be a classic AFC Championship match-up in seven years.

Falcons at Saints

OSN's Pick: Falcons — The Falcons will exploit the glaring holes in the Saints defense slightly more often than the Saints exploit the glaring holes in the Falcons’ defense.

Buccaneers at Jets

OSN's Pick: Buccaneers — It seems like a huge upset, but Onion Sports is going out on a limb and predicting that the Bucs’ defense will at some point find a flaw in Geno Smith’s high-octane passing game.

Titans at Steelers

OSN's Pick: Steelers — The Steelers will just barely edge out the Titans in a tight battle between two defenses, two offenses, and two special teams units.

Packers at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Packers — The Packers are hungry to avenge last year's season-ending loss to the 49ers and by most accounts, motivation is very important in football.

Cardinals at Rams

OSN’s Pick: Rams — Daryl Richardson will run wild over a porous Arizona defense, leaving the Cardinals in an insurmountable 0-1 hole to start the season.

Giants at Cowboys

OSN's Pick: Giants or Cowboys — Onion Sports isn’t watching this game, and we don’t give a shit who wins.

Eagles at Redskins

OSN's Pick: Redskins — With a new head coach this season, the Eagles will know that the pressure is on, so expect them to completely wilt in a 30-point blowout.

Texans at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Texans — The Texans will easily handle the Chargers while only losing several dozen players to season-ending injuries.


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