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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games:

Seahawks at Cardinals

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead Arizona to victory after Bruce Arian wisely benches Carson Palmer, though if for some reason he sticks with Palmer, expect the Seahawks to cruise to an easy 34-22 win on the strength of two interceptions and six sacks.

Buccaneers at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Buccaneers – Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan is really going to miss injured receiver Julio Jones, but they’ll get at least a dozen chances to catch up on the sidelines after stalled drives.

Bengals at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – Expect Calvin Johnson to play a huge role for the Lions, assuming a serious knee injury doesn’t affect one’s performance as wide receiver.

Bills at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Unfortunately for the Bills, the Dolphins’ roster is built for games against shitty teams at home after a bye week.

Patriots at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – It will be more understandable this week when Patriots fans leave the stadium midway through the fourth quarter.

Cowboys at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – The latest showdown between these two bitter rivals features two of the best quarterbacks in this game.

Bears at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Bears – The outcome of this game will ultimately come down to an orange Monarch butterfly that landed on the hood of Mike Shanahan’s car on March 12, 1978.

Rams at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Rams – St. Louis head coach Jeff Fisher needs to pull something out of his bag of tricks so he has something fun to do during this boring matchup.

Chargers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – Jacksonville’s confidence will certainly slip this week after Jaguars players overhear Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers urging his teammates not to try too hard.

49ers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Game should come down to stout this, tough that, and good whatever.

Browns at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The injury-plagued Packers should be able to take care of business once they finish introducing themselves to one another.

Texans at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Who Cares? – Andy Reid has a spring in his step, and you know what? He looks happy. He actually looks happy.

Ravens at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Points will be at a premium during this tough, hard-hitting game between two atrocious offenses.

Broncos at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning journeys over a thousand miles to return to his old spawning grounds to release his milt.

Vikings at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – As consistent as Eli Manning has been this year, he hasn’t run into anything like Minnesota’s defense yet.

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