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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games:

Seahawks at Cardinals

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead Arizona to victory after Bruce Arian wisely benches Carson Palmer, though if for some reason he sticks with Palmer, expect the Seahawks to cruise to an easy 34-22 win on the strength of two interceptions and six sacks.

Buccaneers at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Buccaneers – Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan is really going to miss injured receiver Julio Jones, but they’ll get at least a dozen chances to catch up on the sidelines after stalled drives.

Bengals at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – Expect Calvin Johnson to play a huge role for the Lions, assuming a serious knee injury doesn’t affect one’s performance as wide receiver.

Bills at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Unfortunately for the Bills, the Dolphins’ roster is built for games against shitty teams at home after a bye week.

Patriots at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – It will be more understandable this week when Patriots fans leave the stadium midway through the fourth quarter.

Cowboys at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – The latest showdown between these two bitter rivals features two of the best quarterbacks in this game.

Bears at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Bears – The outcome of this game will ultimately come down to an orange Monarch butterfly that landed on the hood of Mike Shanahan’s car on March 12, 1978.

Rams at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Rams – St. Louis head coach Jeff Fisher needs to pull something out of his bag of tricks so he has something fun to do during this boring matchup.

Chargers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – Jacksonville’s confidence will certainly slip this week after Jaguars players overhear Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers urging his teammates not to try too hard.

49ers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Game should come down to stout this, tough that, and good whatever.

Browns at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The injury-plagued Packers should be able to take care of business once they finish introducing themselves to one another.

Texans at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Who Cares? – Andy Reid has a spring in his step, and you know what? He looks happy. He actually looks happy.

Ravens at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Points will be at a premium during this tough, hard-hitting game between two atrocious offenses.

Broncos at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning journeys over a thousand miles to return to his old spawning grounds to release his milt.

Vikings at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – As consistent as Eli Manning has been this year, he hasn’t run into anything like Minnesota’s defense yet.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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