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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games:

Seahawks at Cardinals

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead Arizona to victory after Bruce Arian wisely benches Carson Palmer, though if for some reason he sticks with Palmer, expect the Seahawks to cruise to an easy 34-22 win on the strength of two interceptions and six sacks.

Buccaneers at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Buccaneers – Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan is really going to miss injured receiver Julio Jones, but they’ll get at least a dozen chances to catch up on the sidelines after stalled drives.

Bengals at Lions

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – Expect Calvin Johnson to play a huge role for the Lions, assuming a serious knee injury doesn’t affect one’s performance as wide receiver.

Bills at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Dolphins – Unfortunately for the Bills, the Dolphins’ roster is built for games against shitty teams at home after a bye week.

Patriots at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – It will be more understandable this week when Patriots fans leave the stadium midway through the fourth quarter.

Cowboys at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – The latest showdown between these two bitter rivals features two of the best quarterbacks in this game.

Bears at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Bears – The outcome of this game will ultimately come down to an orange Monarch butterfly that landed on the hood of Mike Shanahan’s car on March 12, 1978.

Rams at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Rams – St. Louis head coach Jeff Fisher needs to pull something out of his bag of tricks so he has something fun to do during this boring matchup.

Chargers at Jaguars

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – Jacksonville’s confidence will certainly slip this week after Jaguars players overhear Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers urging his teammates not to try too hard.

49ers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – Game should come down to stout this, tough that, and good whatever.

Browns at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The injury-plagued Packers should be able to take care of business once they finish introducing themselves to one another.

Texans at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Who Cares? – Andy Reid has a spring in his step, and you know what? He looks happy. He actually looks happy.

Ravens at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Points will be at a premium during this tough, hard-hitting game between two atrocious offenses.

Broncos at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning journeys over a thousand miles to return to his old spawning grounds to release his milt.

Vikings at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Giants – As consistent as Eli Manning has been this year, he hasn’t run into anything like Minnesota’s defense yet.

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