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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games:

Giants at Bears

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bears – Eli Manning will throw three picks and Jay Cutler will find Brandon Marshall in the end zone twice in this 27-21 Bears win, but none of that will matter once Tom Coughlin finally notices that oddly colored mole underneath his left arm in the shower Friday morning.

Bengals at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – Look for the Cincinnati defense to confuse Thad Lewis with relentless questions about who he is and how he ended up as the Bills quarterback.

Lions at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Lions – This game will go to the team that wants it more that is not the Browns.

Raiders at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – The Chiefs have the NFL’s best red zone defense, but that won’t play any factor against the Raiders.

Panthers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – Don’t look now, but the Panthers are quietly putting together an unremarkable season.

Steelers at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Jets – A loss against the Jets will finally provide a much-needed fifth wake-up call for the Steelers.

Eagles at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – Expect Josh Freeman to continue leading the team in passing touchdowns this season.

Packers at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Ravens have been without star quarterback 2012 Joe Flacco and will continue to struggle under 2008-2011 Joe Flacco.

Rams at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – The Rams will really come together as a team to get Matt Schaub’s confidence back up.

Jaguars at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Jacksonville will struggle with the thin mountain air, grass field, and challenging game of football.

Titans at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect Seattle to establish their running-up-the-score game early on.

Saints At Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Saints – An offensive showdown that will likely come down to who has the ball 89th.

49ers at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – A win for the 49ers will go a long way toward distinguishing the teams in a division that’s currently an impressionistic blur when we look at it.

Redskins at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – The Redskins are coming off a bye week, so the team might need a quarter or so to get back out of sync.

Colts at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Colts – San Diego will need to jump out to an early lead if they expect to lose another close game.

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