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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games:

Giants at Bears

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bears – Eli Manning will throw three picks and Jay Cutler will find Brandon Marshall in the end zone twice in this 27-21 Bears win, but none of that will matter once Tom Coughlin finally notices that oddly colored mole underneath his left arm in the shower Friday morning.

Bengals at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Bengals – Look for the Cincinnati defense to confuse Thad Lewis with relentless questions about who he is and how he ended up as the Bills quarterback.

Lions at Browns

OSN’s Pick: Lions – This game will go to the team that wants it more that is not the Browns.

Raiders at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Chiefs – The Chiefs have the NFL’s best red zone defense, but that won’t play any factor against the Raiders.

Panthers at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – Don’t look now, but the Panthers are quietly putting together an unremarkable season.

Steelers at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Jets – A loss against the Jets will finally provide a much-needed fifth wake-up call for the Steelers.

Eagles at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Eagles – Expect Josh Freeman to continue leading the team in passing touchdowns this season.

Packers at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Packers – The Ravens have been without star quarterback 2012 Joe Flacco and will continue to struggle under 2008-2011 Joe Flacco.

Rams at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans – The Rams will really come together as a team to get Matt Schaub’s confidence back up.

Jaguars at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – Jacksonville will struggle with the thin mountain air, grass field, and challenging game of football.

Titans at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Expect Seattle to establish their running-up-the-score game early on.

Saints At Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Saints – An offensive showdown that will likely come down to who has the ball 89th.

49ers at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: 49ers – A win for the 49ers will go a long way toward distinguishing the teams in a division that’s currently an impressionistic blur when we look at it.

Redskins at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys – The Redskins are coming off a bye week, so the team might need a quarter or so to get back out of sync.

Colts at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Colts – San Diego will need to jump out to an early lead if they expect to lose another close game.

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