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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games:

Chiefs at Eagles

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy Reid’s Philadelphia homecoming after a flawless performance from Michael Vick, justifying the Eagles’ decision to part with their longtime coach last year.

Texans at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Baltimore has built an offense to strike fear into the heart of any Ravens fan.

Giants at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Giants — Eli Manning must remain cool and collected in the pocket to overcome the tremendous guilt he’ll feel while exploiting Carolina’s horrible secondary.

Packers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton will show the Packers exactly what he is not capable of.

Rams at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — Expect Dallas to eke out a victory at AT&T Stadium with well-known media personality and die-hard Cowboys fan Jerry Jones rumored to be in attendance.

Browns at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Vikings — Cleveland will really miss running back Trent Richardson’s 3.5 yards per carry while trying to string together three-and-outs.

Buccaneers at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — A ferocious display from Tom Brady will leave his rookie receivers in tears.

Cardinals at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Despite Arizona’s lackluster performance this season, New Orleans can’t underestimate their opponent and should be prepared to stay for the entire game.

Chargers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Chargers — Manti Te’o will arrive in San Diego ready to play.

Lions at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Expect Ndamukong Suh and the Lions’ aggressive defense to test how far RGIII’s knee will bend backwards.

Falcons at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — This matchup could very well decide which of these two teams is more overrated.

Bills at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Bills — This one will probably come down to factors and outcomes

Colts at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: 49ers — Trent Richardson looks to do for the Colts what he’s done for the Browns.

Jaguars at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks — Expect the Seahawks to edge out Jacksonville in a preview of this year’s Super Bowl matchup.

Bears at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Bears — The Bears are expected to prove once and for all that the Steelers should under no circumstances play on national television for the rest of the season.

Raiders at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Oakland’s defense is going to have to play flawless football if they want to hold Peyton Manning to six touchdowns.

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