Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games:

Chiefs at Eagles

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy Reid’s Philadelphia homecoming after a flawless performance from Michael Vick, justifying the Eagles’ decision to part with their longtime coach last year.

Texans at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Baltimore has built an offense to strike fear into the heart of any Ravens fan.

Giants at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Giants — Eli Manning must remain cool and collected in the pocket to overcome the tremendous guilt he’ll feel while exploiting Carolina’s horrible secondary.

Packers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton will show the Packers exactly what he is not capable of.

Rams at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — Expect Dallas to eke out a victory at AT&T Stadium with well-known media personality and die-hard Cowboys fan Jerry Jones rumored to be in attendance.

Browns at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Vikings — Cleveland will really miss running back Trent Richardson’s 3.5 yards per carry while trying to string together three-and-outs.

Buccaneers at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — A ferocious display from Tom Brady will leave his rookie receivers in tears.

Cardinals at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Despite Arizona’s lackluster performance this season, New Orleans can’t underestimate their opponent and should be prepared to stay for the entire game.

Chargers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Chargers — Manti Te’o will arrive in San Diego ready to play.

Lions at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Expect Ndamukong Suh and the Lions’ aggressive defense to test how far RGIII’s knee will bend backwards.

Falcons at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — This matchup could very well decide which of these two teams is more overrated.

Bills at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Bills — This one will probably come down to factors and outcomes

Colts at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: 49ers — Trent Richardson looks to do for the Colts what he’s done for the Browns.

Jaguars at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks — Expect the Seahawks to edge out Jacksonville in a preview of this year’s Super Bowl matchup.

Bears at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Bears — The Bears are expected to prove once and for all that the Steelers should under no circumstances play on national television for the rest of the season.

Raiders at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Oakland’s defense is going to have to play flawless football if they want to hold Peyton Manning to six touchdowns.


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