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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games:

Chiefs at Eagles

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy Reid’s Philadelphia homecoming after a flawless performance from Michael Vick, justifying the Eagles’ decision to part with their longtime coach last year.

Texans at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Texans — Baltimore has built an offense to strike fear into the heart of any Ravens fan.

Giants at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Giants — Eli Manning must remain cool and collected in the pocket to overcome the tremendous guilt he’ll feel while exploiting Carolina’s horrible secondary.

Packers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton will show the Packers exactly what he is not capable of.

Rams at Cowboys

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys — Expect Dallas to eke out a victory at AT&T Stadium with well-known media personality and die-hard Cowboys fan Jerry Jones rumored to be in attendance.

Browns at Vikings

OSN’s Pick: Vikings — Cleveland will really miss running back Trent Richardson’s 3.5 yards per carry while trying to string together three-and-outs.

Buccaneers at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots — A ferocious display from Tom Brady will leave his rookie receivers in tears.

Cardinals at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Despite Arizona’s lackluster performance this season, New Orleans can’t underestimate their opponent and should be prepared to stay for the entire game.

Chargers at Titans

OSN’s Pick: Chargers — Manti Te’o will arrive in San Diego ready to play.

Lions at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Expect Ndamukong Suh and the Lions’ aggressive defense to test how far RGIII’s knee will bend backwards.

Falcons at Dolphins

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — This matchup could very well decide which of these two teams is more overrated.

Bills at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Bills — This one will probably come down to factors and outcomes

Colts at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: 49ers — Trent Richardson looks to do for the Colts what he’s done for the Browns.

Jaguars at Seahawks

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks — Expect the Seahawks to edge out Jacksonville in a preview of this year’s Super Bowl matchup.

Bears at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Bears — The Bears are expected to prove once and for all that the Steelers should under no circumstances play on national television for the rest of the season.

Raiders at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — Oakland’s defense is going to have to play flawless football if they want to hold Peyton Manning to six touchdowns.

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