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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games:

Jets at Patriots

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Patriots receiver Julian Edelman to become Tom Brady’s favorite target in an otherwise sloppy New England win, snagging 13 of the QB’s 19 completions for an average of 6 yards per catch.

Panthers at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Bills — After a bright start to his NFL career last week, look for rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel to notch his first win in this matchup against his future self.

Browns at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Following a blowout loss against Denver, the Ravens will be able to take absolutely no confidence from a win against the Browns.

Vikings at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago should easily win this game by relying on the arm of Christian Ponder.

Cowboys at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys —The Chiefs will high-tail it right back into the tunnel after getting a glimpse of the Cowboys’ monstrous owner.

Redskins at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Another rusty performance from Robert Griffin III will really make fans wonder if perhaps he’s coming off some sort of serious knee injury that he still needs time to fully recover from.

Titans at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — The Titans will not only find out that Houston is a difficult place to play, but a downright awful place in general.

Dolphins at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts — For all the Ricky Williams media commotion, this game will be decided on the field, where Dungy and Manning remain a force to be reckoned with.

Chargers at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles — Philadelphia just needs to sit back and let the Chargers do their thing.

Rams at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — Quarterback Matt Ryan and the Falcons will be difficult to stop, because this is not the playoffs.

Lions at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Eye-catching performances from Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush will provide a perfect distraction for whatever Ndamukong Suh is going to do.

Saints at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Do they still blast cannons on that fucking pirate ship?

Broncos at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — In the third matchup between the Manning brothers, expect Peyton to edge out Eli by playing on the better team.

Jaguars at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Jaguars — Game will provide the Jaguars an excellent opportunity to scout out new stadiums in California.

49ers at Seahawks

OSN does not predict games that it will be broadcasting.

Steelers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — Listen, we need this one. We’re in a lot of debt.

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