Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games:

Jets at Patriots

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Patriots receiver Julian Edelman to become Tom Brady’s favorite target in an otherwise sloppy New England win, snagging 13 of the QB’s 19 completions for an average of 6 yards per catch.

Panthers at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Bills — After a bright start to his NFL career last week, look for rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel to notch his first win in this matchup against his future self.

Browns at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Following a blowout loss against Denver, the Ravens will be able to take absolutely no confidence from a win against the Browns.

Vikings at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago should easily win this game by relying on the arm of Christian Ponder.

Cowboys at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys —The Chiefs will high-tail it right back into the tunnel after getting a glimpse of the Cowboys’ monstrous owner.

Redskins at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Another rusty performance from Robert Griffin III will really make fans wonder if perhaps he’s coming off some sort of serious knee injury that he still needs time to fully recover from.

Titans at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — The Titans will not only find out that Houston is a difficult place to play, but a downright awful place in general.

Dolphins at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts — For all the Ricky Williams media commotion, this game will be decided on the field, where Dungy and Manning remain a force to be reckoned with.

Chargers at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles — Philadelphia just needs to sit back and let the Chargers do their thing.

Rams at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — Quarterback Matt Ryan and the Falcons will be difficult to stop, because this is not the playoffs.

Lions at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Eye-catching performances from Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush will provide a perfect distraction for whatever Ndamukong Suh is going to do.

Saints at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Do they still blast cannons on that fucking pirate ship?

Broncos at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — In the third matchup between the Manning brothers, expect Peyton to edge out Eli by playing on the better team.

Jaguars at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Jaguars — Game will provide the Jaguars an excellent opportunity to scout out new stadiums in California.

49ers at Seahawks

OSN does not predict games that it will be broadcasting.

Steelers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — Listen, we need this one. We’re in a lot of debt.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.