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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games:

Jets at Patriots

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Patriots receiver Julian Edelman to become Tom Brady’s favorite target in an otherwise sloppy New England win, snagging 13 of the QB’s 19 completions for an average of 6 yards per catch.

Panthers at Bills

OSN’s Pick: Bills — After a bright start to his NFL career last week, look for rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel to notch his first win in this matchup against his future self.

Browns at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens — Following a blowout loss against Denver, the Ravens will be able to take absolutely no confidence from a win against the Browns.

Vikings at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears — Chicago should easily win this game by relying on the arm of Christian Ponder.

Cowboys at Chiefs

OSN’s Pick: Cowboys —The Chiefs will high-tail it right back into the tunnel after getting a glimpse of the Cowboys’ monstrous owner.

Redskins at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers — Another rusty performance from Robert Griffin III will really make fans wonder if perhaps he’s coming off some sort of serious knee injury that he still needs time to fully recover from.

Titans at Texans

OSN’s Pick: Texans — The Titans will not only find out that Houston is a difficult place to play, but a downright awful place in general.

Dolphins at Colts

OSN’s Pick: Colts — For all the Ricky Williams media commotion, this game will be decided on the field, where Dungy and Manning remain a force to be reckoned with.

Chargers at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Eagles — Philadelphia just needs to sit back and let the Chargers do their thing.

Rams at Falcons

OSN’s Pick: Falcons — Quarterback Matt Ryan and the Falcons will be difficult to stop, because this is not the playoffs.

Lions at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Lions — Eye-catching performances from Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush will provide a perfect distraction for whatever Ndamukong Suh is going to do.

Saints at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Saints — Do they still blast cannons on that fucking pirate ship?

Broncos at Giants

OSN’s Pick: Broncos — In the third matchup between the Manning brothers, expect Peyton to edge out Eli by playing on the better team.

Jaguars at Raiders

OSN’s Pick: Jaguars — Game will provide the Jaguars an excellent opportunity to scout out new stadiums in California.

49ers at Seahawks

OSN does not predict games that it will be broadcasting.

Steelers at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals — Listen, we need this one. We’re in a lot of debt.

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