Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16:

  • Florida vs. UCLA
    OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’ll accumulate points, and that will be key in determining the outcome of this heated matchup.
  • Dayton vs. Stanford
    OSN’s Pick: Dayton — Unlike their opponents, Dayton’s players don’t have anything else to fall back on.
  • Virginia vs. Michigan State
    OSN’s Pick: Michigan State — The Spartans simply don’t have an answer for DeAndre Kane or Melvin Ejim, which isn’t a big deal since neither of them plays for Virginia.
  • Iowa State vs. Connecticut
    OSN’s Pick: Connecticut — Scrappy underdogs UConn will outperform their seven-seed ranking in a heartwarming victory over powerhouse Iowa State.
  • Arizona vs. SDSU
    OSN’s Pick: San Diego State — If these two teams score a combined 130 points or more during Thursday’s matchup, attendees will receive a coupon for automatic admission into either school.
  • Baylor vs. Wisconsin
    OSN’s Pick: Wisconsin — Wisconsin holds a slight edge in a game that is very difficult to predict because chaos governs our universe.
  • Kentucky vs. Louisville
    OSN’s Pick: Louisville — The Cardinals should be able to easily defeat the lower-ranked Wildcats if they manage to block out the cacophony of banjo playing produced by both teams’ fans.
  • Tennessee vs. Michigan
    OSN’s Pick: Tennessee — Holding an 11-2 advantage, the Volunteers have far more seeds than the lowly Wolverines, a gap that will almost certainly be insurmountable.


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