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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16:

  • Florida vs. UCLA
    OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’ll accumulate points, and that will be key in determining the outcome of this heated matchup.
  • Dayton vs. Stanford
    OSN’s Pick: Dayton — Unlike their opponents, Dayton’s players don’t have anything else to fall back on.
  • Virginia vs. Michigan State
    OSN’s Pick: Michigan State — The Spartans simply don’t have an answer for DeAndre Kane or Melvin Ejim, which isn’t a big deal since neither of them plays for Virginia.
  • Iowa State vs. Connecticut
    OSN’s Pick: Connecticut — Scrappy underdogs UConn will outperform their seven-seed ranking in a heartwarming victory over powerhouse Iowa State.
  • Arizona vs. SDSU
    OSN’s Pick: San Diego State — If these two teams score a combined 130 points or more during Thursday’s matchup, attendees will receive a coupon for automatic admission into either school.
  • Baylor vs. Wisconsin
    OSN’s Pick: Wisconsin — Wisconsin holds a slight edge in a game that is very difficult to predict because chaos governs our universe.
  • Kentucky vs. Louisville
    OSN’s Pick: Louisville — The Cardinals should be able to easily defeat the lower-ranked Wildcats if they manage to block out the cacophony of banjo playing produced by both teams’ fans.
  • Tennessee vs. Michigan
    OSN’s Pick: Tennessee — Holding an 11-2 advantage, the Volunteers have far more seeds than the lowly Wolverines, a gap that will almost certainly be insurmountable.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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