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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

  • When it comes to selecting a costume, remain flexible. Some beloved public figure could suddenly die, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance to make fun of that.
  • Reopening any partially healed wounds is a fun and easy way to save money on expensive costumes.
  • When assembling a trick-or-treating group, remember to fill your ranks with the brains, the muscle, the looks, and the wildcard.
  • Leave Randy at home. He can barely walk in that panda costume and he’ll only slow you down.
  • Goblins and ghosts can be frightening for young children. Parents should prepare them by startling them in costume at all hours for several weeks leading up to Halloween.
  • Houses with the lights out mean no one’s home, so go in through the garage and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.
  • To maximize your route, start early on the East Coast and trick-or-treat westward with the sunset.
  • If you encounter a bowl of candy left unattended on a front porch, consult the latest census data and take the percentage of candy allotted to you based on population.
  • Criminals love to poison the Crunch bars, so you’d better just give those and anything with nougat to Mommy.

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