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Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

A number of pundits have suggested the U.S. Treasury mint $1 trillion coins made of platinum to pay the country’s bills. Here are some other ideas the government is considering to solve its debt-ceiling crisis:

  • Increase stamp sales by putting a bit of chocolate on the back side
  • Change name of country to something slightly different and don’t tell creditors what it is
  • Sell Orrin Hatch for scrap
  • Mine more ore—doesn’t matter what kind, just more of it. More ore
  • The next time we borrow from China just say, “Thanks for the free present,” give them a hug, and then quickly leave
  • Raffle off some four-wheelers
  • Obama to paint 1,000 paintings of Bo and sell each of them for $1 billion
  • Blow up debt clock

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