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Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

A number of pundits have suggested the U.S. Treasury mint $1 trillion coins made of platinum to pay the country’s bills. Here are some other ideas the government is considering to solve its debt-ceiling crisis:

  • Increase stamp sales by putting a bit of chocolate on the back side
  • Change name of country to something slightly different and don’t tell creditors what it is
  • Sell Orrin Hatch for scrap
  • Mine more ore—doesn’t matter what kind, just more of it. More ore
  • The next time we borrow from China just say, “Thanks for the free present,” give them a hug, and then quickly leave
  • Raffle off some four-wheelers
  • Obama to paint 1,000 paintings of Bo and sell each of them for $1 billion
  • Blow up debt clock

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