Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

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Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis

A number of pundits have suggested the U.S. Treasury mint $1 trillion coins made of platinum to pay the country’s bills. Here are some other ideas the government is considering to solve its debt-ceiling crisis:

  • Increase stamp sales by putting a bit of chocolate on the back side
  • Change name of country to something slightly different and don’t tell creditors what it is
  • Sell Orrin Hatch for scrap
  • Mine more ore—doesn’t matter what kind, just more of it. More ore
  • The next time we borrow from China just say, “Thanks for the free present,” give them a hug, and then quickly leave
  • Raffle off some four-wheelers
  • Obama to paint 1,000 paintings of Bo and sell each of them for $1 billion
  • Blow up debt clock
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