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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Oscar Handicapping

Every year, Oscar pools are a big part of celebrating the Academy Awards. To help you with your picks, here are some odds on who we think will take home a statue this year:

Best Supporting Actor, Josh Brolin, 10-1: There's an outside chance that voters have mistakenly identified Brolin as the dead one

Best Animated Feature, Bolt, 7-19: Everyone still feeling sorry for John Travolta

Best Sound Mixing, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, 3-2: The boom mic work is fucking flawless

Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay), The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, 5-8: Setting the story during Hurricane Katrina is exactly the sort of daringly obvious manipulation the Academy loves to reward

Best Short Film (Live Action), New Boy, 4-5: Historically, the third film on the ballot in this category receives the most votes, as most Academy members haven't watched any of the nominees, and voting for the first or second one on the list looks too obvious

Best Directing, The Reader, 85-1: For an entire tense scene at the film's climax, a gaffer is clearly visible eating a plate of messy buffalo wings in the background

Best Documentary Feature, Man On Wire, 1-3: It's a documentary, and you've heard of it

Best Leading Actor, Mickey Rourke, 8-11: Rourke's performance as a contrite actor just looking to do the best work of his career has wowed Academy voters

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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