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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around

Heading into week five, there are 10 NFL franchises with a 1-3 or worse record. Here are some surefire tips for teams to get their seasons back on track:

  • Remember, it’s never too late to turn your season around, unless of course you’re an NFL team that started 0-4, at which point it’s time to start thinking draft strategy.
  • Visualize going 8-8.
  • Take it one game at a time. Then if you’re feeling lucky, go ahead and take it four or five games at a time.
  • In your pregame speech, explain to your players that this team is like a big ship. They’ll know what you mean.
  • Learn the value of teamwork: +0.72 wins per season, on average.
  • All you need is heart, desire, and a brand-new roster loaded with Pro Bowl–level talent.
  • If Greg Schiano, Rex Ryan, Leslie Frazier, Todd Haley, or Marty Mornhinweg are part of your coaching staff, fire them immediately.
  • Abandon narrow-minded measurement of success in terms of wins and losses.
  • Ask any of the nation’s incredibly knowledgeable sports columnists for their expertise.
  • Create bulletin board material to motivate your players by openly talking about how much they suck during press conferences.
  • Just wait it out until Von Miller is back from suspension.
  • Remember that this is a league in which a shitty 10-6 team with Joe Flacco at quarterback can win a Super Bowl.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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