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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around

Heading into week five, there are 10 NFL franchises with a 1-3 or worse record. Here are some surefire tips for teams to get their seasons back on track:

  • Remember, it’s never too late to turn your season around, unless of course you’re an NFL team that started 0-4, at which point it’s time to start thinking draft strategy.
  • Visualize going 8-8.
  • Take it one game at a time. Then if you’re feeling lucky, go ahead and take it four or five games at a time.
  • In your pregame speech, explain to your players that this team is like a big ship. They’ll know what you mean.
  • Learn the value of teamwork: +0.72 wins per season, on average.
  • All you need is heart, desire, and a brand-new roster loaded with Pro Bowl–level talent.
  • If Greg Schiano, Rex Ryan, Leslie Frazier, Todd Haley, or Marty Mornhinweg are part of your coaching staff, fire them immediately.
  • Abandon narrow-minded measurement of success in terms of wins and losses.
  • Ask any of the nation’s incredibly knowledgeable sports columnists for their expertise.
  • Create bulletin board material to motivate your players by openly talking about how much they suck during press conferences.
  • Just wait it out until Von Miller is back from suspension.
  • Remember that this is a league in which a shitty 10-6 team with Joe Flacco at quarterback can win a Super Bowl.

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