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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Other Notable Sports Figures Of 2010

Not all of them garnered the attention or the acclaim of LeBron and Landon, but it wouldn't be fair to talk about the year in sports without mentioning these athletes:

  • Tiger Woods: Made the world wonder how much pussy Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus were getting to stay sharp when they dominated the game
  • Tim Lincecum: Instead of conquering his drug problem to appear in the World Series as Josh Hamilton did, the Giants' ace went out and won the damn thing while getting high as shit the whole time
  • John Wooden: Selflessly prevented George Steinbrenner from being this year's most notable sports death
  • Albert Pujols: Probably hit a bunch of home runs or whatever again this year
  • Jessica Bratich: During the 2010 National Karate Championships in Albany, Jessica kicks 12 people's heads off
  • Jimmie Johnson: Showed us all there was still hope for America when, after he won his fifth straight NASCAR championship, the vast majority of the nation just didn't care
  • Stephen Strasburg: Had the most anticipated surgery debut in baseball history
  • Rafael Nadal: Absolutely the kind of athlete who should be on a list like this

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