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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Panel Chairmen: Cut $200 Billion From Budget

The chairmen of a bipartisan panel on reducing the federal budget deficit have outlined a proposal that, among other things, calls for boosting the federal gas tax, raising the retirement age, and reducing corporate tax rates to as low as 26 percent. Here are some of their other suggestions:

  • Raise taxes on everyone in Rhode Island—it's not like they can do anything about it
  • Register the United States as a corporation in the Cayman Islands
  • Save $1.3 million in annual salaries by cutting back the Supreme Court to a less-extravagant three-judge panel
  • Drastic reduction in number of middle-school crossing guards at intersections—those children should know how to do this by now
  • Replace federal work force with a computer
  • Beginning in 2020, all Social Security recipients must work minimum of two monthly shifts at Smithsonian Air and Space Museum
  • $50 Air Force One checked-bag fee
  • Sharply increase taxes on the lower class, as the middle and upper classes each have a political party defending their interests

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