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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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PayPal Founder To Create Island

Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of artificial libertarian island-nations. Here are some of the features the islands will include:

  • Large monument paying tribute to Bob Barr and his heroic 0.4 percent of the popular vote in the 2008 presidential election
  • Annual contest to see which island-dweller can best hijack a normal conversation with a tirade about the corrupt U.S. tax code
  • Huge pile of free guns right in the middle of each island
  • Canning operation free from restrictive boiling and acidity-regulation rules
  • Penn and Teller, every Thursday night
  • Large ceremonial nonfunctioning national debt clock that just reads "0"
  • A swimmin' hole
  • Emergency blue-light phones that connect directly to the Cato Institute
  • A bunch of Republicans anyway
  • Occasional arbitrary tax on the population just to give them something to get riled up about, which, for many libertarians, is their sole reason for existing

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