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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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PayPal Founder To Create Island

Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of artificial libertarian island-nations. Here are some of the features the islands will include:

  • Large monument paying tribute to Bob Barr and his heroic 0.4 percent of the popular vote in the 2008 presidential election
  • Annual contest to see which island-dweller can best hijack a normal conversation with a tirade about the corrupt U.S. tax code
  • Huge pile of free guns right in the middle of each island
  • Canning operation free from restrictive boiling and acidity-regulation rules
  • Penn and Teller, every Thursday night
  • Large ceremonial nonfunctioning national debt clock that just reads "0"
  • A swimmin' hole
  • Emergency blue-light phones that connect directly to the Cato Institute
  • A bunch of Republicans anyway
  • Occasional arbitrary tax on the population just to give them something to get riled up about, which, for many libertarians, is their sole reason for existing

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