PayPal Founder To Create Island

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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PayPal Founder To Create Island

Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of artificial libertarian island-nations. Here are some of the features the islands will include:

  • Large monument paying tribute to Bob Barr and his heroic 0.4 percent of the popular vote in the 2008 presidential election
  • Annual contest to see which island-dweller can best hijack a normal conversation with a tirade about the corrupt U.S. tax code
  • Huge pile of free guns right in the middle of each island
  • Canning operation free from restrictive boiling and acidity-regulation rules
  • Penn and Teller, every Thursday night
  • Large ceremonial nonfunctioning national debt clock that just reads "0"
  • A swimmin' hole
  • Emergency blue-light phones that connect directly to the Cato Institute
  • A bunch of Republicans anyway
  • Occasional arbitrary tax on the population just to give them something to get riled up about, which, for many libertarians, is their sole reason for existing
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