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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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People Living On The Moon

NASA recently announced plans to construct a base on the moon's south pole that will be completed by 2024. Here are some of the features its inhabitants will enjoy:

Golden throne so tourists can have their pictures taken as the Moon King

Neil Armstrong statue in front of Neil Armstrong wing of Neil Armstrong Recreation Center

One toilet

Alice Kramden Memorial Domestic Violence Shelter

Precautionary maximum-security prison

One of those slow-opening airlocks where you can initially panic, then tearfully say goodbye to your family right before getting sucked into space

Immigration border fence to keep out Venusians

Hopefully, water

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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