Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:

  • In preparation for the Easter egg hunt, you'll need to build a chicken coop in your backyard, raise several dozen hens, and collect any eggs they lay over a four- to six-week period.
  • Drop fun clues about the location of the eggs with a series of cryptic comments to your child over several years leading up to the Easter egg hunt.
  • Right before the hunt begins, create a festive mood by dressing up as the Easter Bunny and reciting Romans 6:4, Matthew 28:1, and Mark 16:7.
  • In the case of large groups, split the hunt up into one for the younger kids and another for those who need to grow the fuck up already.
  • To help ease the wait, on the night before the hunt, go ahead and let your child hold an egg for a few minutes.
  • For younger children, try hiding eggs in easier-to-find places, such as atop a heated stove, the windowsill of an open window, the top step of a flight of stairs, or taped to an electrical outlet.
  • Beating a constant rhythm on a hand drum for the duration of the hunt will instill a sense of urgency in the children as they search for eggs.
  • If the kids still have trouble finding all the Easter eggs, begin hiding other things as well, such as their favorite toy or puppy dog, so they’ll find the will to look harder.
  • Take a 10 percent cut of all jelly beans to help children understand your time isn’t free.
  • Remember not to put anything inside the eggs to teach children the important lesson that life is full of disappointment.