adBlockCheck

Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:

  • In preparation for the Easter egg hunt, you'll need to build a chicken coop in your backyard, raise several dozen hens, and collect any eggs they lay over a four- to six-week period.
  • Drop fun clues about the location of the eggs with a series of cryptic comments to your child over several years leading up to the Easter egg hunt.
  • Right before the hunt begins, create a festive mood by dressing up as the Easter Bunny and reciting Romans 6:4, Matthew 28:1, and Mark 16:7.
  • In the case of large groups, split the hunt up into one for the younger kids and another for those who need to grow the fuck up already.
  • To help ease the wait, on the night before the hunt, go ahead and let your child hold an egg for a few minutes.
  • For younger children, try hiding eggs in easier-to-find places, such as atop a heated stove, the windowsill of an open window, the top step of a flight of stairs, or taped to an electrical outlet.
  • Beating a constant rhythm on a hand drum for the duration of the hunt will instill a sense of urgency in the children as they search for eggs.
  • If the kids still have trouble finding all the Easter eggs, begin hiding other things as well, such as their favorite toy or puppy dog, so they’ll find the will to look harder.
  • Take a 10 percent cut of all jelly beans to help children understand your time isn’t free.
  • Remember not to put anything inside the eggs to teach children the important lesson that life is full of disappointment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close