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Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:

  • In preparation for the Easter egg hunt, you'll need to build a chicken coop in your backyard, raise several dozen hens, and collect any eggs they lay over a four- to six-week period.
  • Drop fun clues about the location of the eggs with a series of cryptic comments to your child over several years leading up to the Easter egg hunt.
  • Right before the hunt begins, create a festive mood by dressing up as the Easter Bunny and reciting Romans 6:4, Matthew 28:1, and Mark 16:7.
  • In the case of large groups, split the hunt up into one for the younger kids and another for those who need to grow the fuck up already.
  • To help ease the wait, on the night before the hunt, go ahead and let your child hold an egg for a few minutes.
  • For younger children, try hiding eggs in easier-to-find places, such as atop a heated stove, the windowsill of an open window, the top step of a flight of stairs, or taped to an electrical outlet.
  • Beating a constant rhythm on a hand drum for the duration of the hunt will instill a sense of urgency in the children as they search for eggs.
  • If the kids still have trouble finding all the Easter eggs, begin hiding other things as well, such as their favorite toy or puppy dog, so they’ll find the will to look harder.
  • Take a 10 percent cut of all jelly beans to help children understand your time isn’t free.
  • Remember not to put anything inside the eggs to teach children the important lesson that life is full of disappointment.

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