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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road. Here are some tips for a fun and fulfilling road trip:

  • Preparedness is your best ally when driving long distances, so practice looking out car windows for at least a week before embarking on any road trip.
  • Assemble a ragtag group of friends who have some stuff to work out and maybe something they’re running away from.
  • If you’re having trouble visualizing the idea of one long road trip, try looking at your vacation as a series of tiny commutes.
  • The whole point of a road trip is to have fun, so wherever you’re headed, make sure to leave time for a side trip to Tommy Bartlett’s Robot World.
  • Operating a car can be exhausting, so make sure you switch drivers every three to four minutes.
  • Protect your vehicle from overheating by applying a thick layer of SPF 50 to its exterior.
  • Drive with ham strapped to the hood of your car for a chance to see our nation’s glorious array of native birds.
  • Always keep a spare tire in your trunk in case you find a strong tree branch over a swimming hole.
  • Wait, wait, this is exit 264 right here. Get in the right lane. You’re good. This guy is letting you in. YOU’RE GOOD! JUST GO!
  • When night falls, pitch your car into a tree to keep bears from getting at your food.
  • Make sure you don’t have your life-changing epiphany until the penultimate day of the road trip. Any earlier and the rest of the drive will just seem like a waste.

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