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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Player-Led Workouts

In a normal year, most NFL teams would be starting their minicamps right now. With the lockout in effect, some players have taken the initiative to organize workouts on their own, with varying degrees of success.

  • Albert Haynesworth: 15 reps of breakfast
  • Buffalo Bills: Ryan Fitzpatrick organized a specialized passing practice at his house, during which teammates could come over and teach him how to properly throw the ball
  • Arizona Cardinals: Larry Fitzgerald invited several top players from different teams to work out at his Arizona compound, where he organized drills and begged them to sign with the Cardinals
  • San Fransisco 49ers: QB Alex Smith has been throwing to receivers Josh Morgan and Ted Ginn, though neither of them have caught any passes and both have repeatedly told him to get out of their homes
  • Tennessee Titans: TE Craig Stevens started working out at a nearby high school but was asked to leave about 20 minutes later
  • Chicago Bears: Defensive players practiced their team fundamentals by having linebacker Lance Briggs hit the tackling dummies while linebacker Brian Urlacher got all the credit
  • Kansas City Chiefs: Just holding regular offseason workouts as usual, because who pays any attention to the Chiefs?
  • Nobody: Working their asses off in negotiations so there can actually be some fucking football this year

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