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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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PlayStation 3 vs. Nintendo Wii

Last week marked the debut of both Sony's and Nintendo's next-generation consoles. Here's how they stack up:

Attribute PlayStation 3 Nintendo Wii
Cost Fucking ridiculous Reasonably ridiculous
Ability to tear apart families Second-to-none Pretty strong, though mostly because everyone wishes it were a PlayStation instead
The way your peers will view you "Dude! Can I come over and play that shit?" "I'll come over, but don't tell anybody, okay?"
Special features Speeds pace of evolution if touched Plays Super Nintendo games
Love of owner This much Thiiis much
Senses Fear Motion
Madden "What you got here is a real powerhouse of a system that could emerge as a legitimate contender in this league" "Small, scrappy system with a lot of potential. You gotta love this little guy's heart"
Parenting substitute Excellent Excellent

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