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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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PlayStation 3 vs. Nintendo Wii

Last week marked the debut of both Sony's and Nintendo's next-generation consoles. Here's how they stack up:

Attribute PlayStation 3 Nintendo Wii
Cost Fucking ridiculous Reasonably ridiculous
Ability to tear apart families Second-to-none Pretty strong, though mostly because everyone wishes it were a PlayStation instead
The way your peers will view you "Dude! Can I come over and play that shit?" "I'll come over, but don't tell anybody, okay?"
Special features Speeds pace of evolution if touched Plays Super Nintendo games
Love of owner This much Thiiis much
Senses Fear Motion
Madden "What you got here is a real powerhouse of a system that could emerge as a legitimate contender in this league" "Small, scrappy system with a lot of potential. You gotta love this little guy's heart"
Parenting substitute Excellent Excellent

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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