Last week marked the debut of both Sony's and Nintendo's next-generation consoles. Here's how they stack up:
| Attribute | PlayStation 3 | Nintendo Wii |
| Cost | Fucking ridiculous | Reasonably ridiculous |
| Ability to tear apart families | Second-to-none | Pretty strong, though mostly because everyone wishes it were a PlayStation instead |
| The way your peers will view you | "Dude! Can I come over and play that shit?" | "I'll come over, but don't tell anybody, okay?" |
| Special features | Speeds pace of evolution if touched | Plays Super Nintendo games |
| Love of owner | This much | Thiiis much |
| Senses | Fear | Motion |
| Madden | "What you got here is a real powerhouse of a system that could emerge as a legitimate contender in this league" | "Small, scrappy system with a lot of potential. You gotta love this little guy's heart" |
| Parenting substitute | Excellent | Excellent |
