Police Homicide Investigation Uncovers Cap In Ass

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Vol 35 Issue 02

Newest Baywatch Cast Member Kicks It With Byron Allen

LOS ANGELES—Debi Tyler, the latest beach beauty to join the cast of TV's Baywatch, kicked it with Byron Allen Saturday on Allen's syndicated TV talk show. The pair kicked it for exactly six minutes, marking Tyler's first nationally televised kicking of it. Also kicking it with Allen during the one-hour show were NBA star Grant Hill, supermodel Heidi Klum, funnyman Richard Jeni and Lima, OH, resident Jon Specht, winner of the show's "I Wanna Kick It With Byron Allen" contest.

Lone Geek Sits Off By Self Reading The Silmarillion Throughout Recess

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion, sources reported. The book, fantasy author J.R.R. Tolkien's posthumously published account of the creation of Middle Earth and the subsequent Wars of the Silmarils, engaged the 12-year-old for the entire 33-minute recess period. Muncie reportedly positioned himself in a corner of the school cafeteria, far enough from his dodgeball-playing classmates to remain unmolested.

Yeah, Area Man Is Drunk... So?

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that it? Yeah, Pollard, who has reportedly consumed 11 beers in the past four hours, is drunk, but so what? Does the greater Mendham area have some kind of problem with that? Shit, Pollard, a truck driver and father of three, drinks when he wants to drink, and a small crowd of pedestrians outside Mickey's Old Towne Tavern had better believe that. Mother fuck—get off of Pollard, man, Pollard is sick of taking shit from local law-enforcement officials. Who does Lt. Tim Brophy, 42, of the Mendham Police Department think he is, fuckin' Rambo? This is bullshit.

Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when a $229 Futura EZ-Roll office chair was delivered to the cubicle of Henry Rozema. The deluxe new chair, ordered to replace a broken one, stands a full two inches higher than that of co-worker Bill Kraft and, unlike Kraft's chair, features such options as a fingertip-controlled pneumatic height adjuster, customized swivel/tilt controls, a five-blade base with dual-wheel casters, and a leather-upholstered ergonomic backrest. "This radically alters the elaborate, ongoing power struggle between Henry and Bill," office manager Brenda Rutt said. "As partner Willard Haines' retirement draws ever closer, Henry and Bill's desire to replace him only grows stronger, and this striking, option-packed piece of office furniture gives Henry a substantial psychological edge."

Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of surreptitiously glimpsing the flaccid male organ of a man at an adjacent urinal. Pretending to focus intently on a square of white ceramic tile directly in front of him, Munro managed to crane his head very slightly to the left, which, combined with his extreme leftward eyeball positioning, afforded him a brief but clear glimpse of the four-inch-long neighboring penis. Experts believe the heterosexual Munro was acting upon an evaluative impulse, hoping to see a fellow male's penis for purposes of comparing it to his own.

I Hate My Next-Door Neighbors

Not long ago, I was the master of all I surveyed. As I gazed down from my mountain-top estate, I was confident in the knowledge that the fate of the yeomanry that cowered below was firmly in my grasp. I owned all the property in the local village and took 15 percent of the harvest. If a peasant wanted to leave the county, he had to pay a toll on one of my bridges and had to be back before night-fall, lest my feared mastiffs track him down and tear him limb-from-limb. Then the nouveau riche started moving in. Yes, I realize I just used a phrase from the hated French language, but it is the best way to describe the Johnny-Come-Latelies who have decided to pollute my environs with their effete ways. They claim they like to "winter" here, far from the chill and coal-smoke of the city, and hunt foxes, play polo and enjoy "cocktail" drinking-beverages and other silly nonsense.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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