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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

Pope Francis has made efforts to modernize the Catholic Church by embracing technology, saying that he would not judge homosexuals, and considering the removal of celibacy as a requirement of the priesthood. Here are some of the other progressive reforms the pope is considering:

  • New Bible with stronger female characters
  • Cocking mitre slightly to the side
  • Embracing more modern contraceptive methods such as pulling out and having sex in a bathtub
  • Rebooting Satan with darker backstory
  • Concluding every sermon, mass, and blessing with the phrase “But that’s just my opinion”
  • Denim vestments
  • Replacing cross logo with stylish interlocking “JC” monogram
  • Abolishing Catholic Church

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