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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

Pope Francis has made efforts to modernize the Catholic Church by embracing technology, saying that he would not judge homosexuals, and considering the removal of celibacy as a requirement of the priesthood. Here are some of the other progressive reforms the pope is considering:

  • New Bible with stronger female characters
  • Cocking mitre slightly to the side
  • Embracing more modern contraceptive methods such as pulling out and having sex in a bathtub
  • Rebooting Satan with darker backstory
  • Concluding every sermon, mass, and blessing with the phrase “But that’s just my opinion”
  • Denim vestments
  • Replacing cross logo with stylish interlocking “JC” monogram
  • Abolishing Catholic Church
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