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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

Pope Francis has made efforts to modernize the Catholic Church by embracing technology, saying that he would not judge homosexuals, and considering the removal of celibacy as a requirement of the priesthood. Here are some of the other progressive reforms the pope is considering:

  • New Bible with stronger female characters
  • Cocking mitre slightly to the side
  • Embracing more modern contraceptive methods such as pulling out and having sex in a bathtub
  • Rebooting Satan with darker backstory
  • Concluding every sermon, mass, and blessing with the phrase “But that’s just my opinion”
  • Denim vestments
  • Replacing cross logo with stylish interlocking “JC” monogram
  • Abolishing Catholic Church

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