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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Potential New Cubs Owners

Now that the Tribune Co. is selling the fabled Cubs franchise, rumors of potential new owners are swirling throughout baseball. Onion Sports looks at the most likely candidates:

Andre Dawson: This former Cubs All-Star, who is now a homeless alcoholic with only $2 in his pocket, said he would own the Cubs

Michael Jordan: Cubs could be a pretty interesting item for this local hero to throw in the pot during a no-limit poker game

Chicago Sun-Times: More than capable of upholding the long and proud tradition of a newspaper owning the Cubs

Thaksin Shinawatra, former Prime Minister of Thailand: Since being overthrown last year, Shinawatra has plenty of time for entertainment and is looking for a group of athletic and disciplined men for reasons he has chosen not to comment on

Ernie Banks: Famed "Mr. Cub" was part of many Cubs teams that nearly made it to .500, and he may just be able to get them back to that level again as owner

Virginia McCaskey, owner of Chicago Bears: Has already demonstrated the complete absence of financial acumen, boorish lack of personal charm, and ignorance of sports operations that Chicago sports fans have always revered

Bill Gates: Has traditionally excelled in areas where he is allowed to spend infinite amounts of money

No One: Possibly the ideal choice for Cubs fans and players alike

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