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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Potential New Cubs Owners

Now that the Tribune Co. is selling the fabled Cubs franchise, rumors of potential new owners are swirling throughout baseball. Onion Sports looks at the most likely candidates:

Andre Dawson: This former Cubs All-Star, who is now a homeless alcoholic with only $2 in his pocket, said he would own the Cubs

Michael Jordan: Cubs could be a pretty interesting item for this local hero to throw in the pot during a no-limit poker game

Chicago Sun-Times: More than capable of upholding the long and proud tradition of a newspaper owning the Cubs

Thaksin Shinawatra, former Prime Minister of Thailand: Since being overthrown last year, Shinawatra has plenty of time for entertainment and is looking for a group of athletic and disciplined men for reasons he has chosen not to comment on

Ernie Banks: Famed "Mr. Cub" was part of many Cubs teams that nearly made it to .500, and he may just be able to get them back to that level again as owner

Virginia McCaskey, owner of Chicago Bears: Has already demonstrated the complete absence of financial acumen, boorish lack of personal charm, and ignorance of sports operations that Chicago sports fans have always revered

Bill Gates: Has traditionally excelled in areas where he is allowed to spend infinite amounts of money

No One: Possibly the ideal choice for Cubs fans and players alike

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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