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Potential New Cubs Owners

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Potential New Cubs Owners

Now that the Tribune Co. is selling the fabled Cubs franchise, rumors of potential new owners are swirling throughout baseball. Onion Sports looks at the most likely candidates:

Andre Dawson: This former Cubs All-Star, who is now a homeless alcoholic with only $2 in his pocket, said he would own the Cubs

Michael Jordan: Cubs could be a pretty interesting item for this local hero to throw in the pot during a no-limit poker game

Chicago Sun-Times: More than capable of upholding the long and proud tradition of a newspaper owning the Cubs

Thaksin Shinawatra, former Prime Minister of Thailand: Since being overthrown last year, Shinawatra has plenty of time for entertainment and is looking for a group of athletic and disciplined men for reasons he has chosen not to comment on

Ernie Banks: Famed "Mr. Cub" was part of many Cubs teams that nearly made it to .500, and he may just be able to get them back to that level again as owner

Virginia McCaskey, owner of Chicago Bears: Has already demonstrated the complete absence of financial acumen, boorish lack of personal charm, and ignorance of sports operations that Chicago sports fans have always revered

Bill Gates: Has traditionally excelled in areas where he is allowed to spend infinite amounts of money

No One: Possibly the ideal choice for Cubs fans and players alike

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