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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Potential New Cubs Owners

Now that the Tribune Co. is selling the fabled Cubs franchise, rumors of potential new owners are swirling throughout baseball. Onion Sports looks at the most likely candidates:

Andre Dawson: This former Cubs All-Star, who is now a homeless alcoholic with only $2 in his pocket, said he would own the Cubs

Michael Jordan: Cubs could be a pretty interesting item for this local hero to throw in the pot during a no-limit poker game

Chicago Sun-Times: More than capable of upholding the long and proud tradition of a newspaper owning the Cubs

Thaksin Shinawatra, former Prime Minister of Thailand: Since being overthrown last year, Shinawatra has plenty of time for entertainment and is looking for a group of athletic and disciplined men for reasons he has chosen not to comment on

Ernie Banks: Famed "Mr. Cub" was part of many Cubs teams that nearly made it to .500, and he may just be able to get them back to that level again as owner

Virginia McCaskey, owner of Chicago Bears: Has already demonstrated the complete absence of financial acumen, boorish lack of personal charm, and ignorance of sports operations that Chicago sports fans have always revered

Bill Gates: Has traditionally excelled in areas where he is allowed to spend infinite amounts of money

No One: Possibly the ideal choice for Cubs fans and players alike

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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