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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Predictions For Baseball's Second Half

With the All-Star break out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for between now and October:

The Marlins will drop out of contention when they attempt to lower their payroll and play without a center fielder

Traded ace Rich Harden will win both the AL and NL Cy Young Awards and promptly throw the NL trophy in the garbage

After the Yankees win 20 games in a row in August, all those closet Yankee fans in the office that you didn't know existed for the entire season will resurface

Chipper Jones will continue on his historic march back toward a .300 batting average

Centuries from now, everyone will remember that play that Aramis Ramirez will make against the St. Louis Cardinals in the 10th inning on Sept. 15

Dan Uggla, scarred by his awful All-Star performance, will make 2,014 errors and strike out 342 times over the second half of the season

The Cubs will blow a chance to win their first World Series in 100 years, because pitcher Kerry Wood has an ouchie on his widdle fingy

Every team will win every game in the most awesome and outrageous second half of a season ever

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