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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:

  • Hastily trying to get in the good graces of snake-bird god Q’uq’umatz
  • Lining up to see Here Comes The Boom before it’s too late
  • Frantically downloading latest software updates
  • Throwing aluminum cans in with regular garbage
  • Finally telling children which one is favorite
  • Getting special “doomsday” haircuts
  • Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
  • Allowing the extended warranty on Toyota Sienna to expire
  • Attempting to convince girlfriend this her last chance to try anal
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