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Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:

  • Hastily trying to get in the good graces of snake-bird god Q’uq’umatz
  • Lining up to see Here Comes The Boom before it’s too late
  • Frantically downloading latest software updates
  • Throwing aluminum cans in with regular garbage
  • Finally telling children which one is favorite
  • Getting special “doomsday” haircuts
  • Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
  • Allowing the extended warranty on Toyota Sienna to expire
  • Attempting to convince girlfriend this her last chance to try anal

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