Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:

  • Hastily trying to get in the good graces of snake-bird god Q’uq’umatz
  • Lining up to see Here Comes The Boom before it’s too late
  • Frantically downloading latest software updates
  • Throwing aluminum cans in with regular garbage
  • Finally telling children which one is favorite
  • Getting special “doomsday” haircuts
  • Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
  • Allowing the extended warranty on Toyota Sienna to expire
  • Attempting to convince girlfriend this her last chance to try anal