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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy'

With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:

  • Hastily trying to get in the good graces of snake-bird god Q’uq’umatz
  • Lining up to see Here Comes The Boom before it’s too late
  • Frantically downloading latest software updates
  • Throwing aluminum cans in with regular garbage
  • Finally telling children which one is favorite
  • Getting special “doomsday” haircuts
  • Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
  • Allowing the extended warranty on Toyota Sienna to expire
  • Attempting to convince girlfriend this her last chance to try anal

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