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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Presidential First Pitches

The president throwing out the ceremonial first pitch is as revered a tradition as anything in America. We look at some of the most memorable.

  • 1833: Although the popularization of baseball is still decades off, Andrew Jackson begins the tradition of welcoming in the spring by hurling things at Indians
  • 1944: FDR laboriously rolls his wheelchair out to the pitching mound, then stuns the crowd with a 100 mph fastball
  • 1949: Thomas E. Dewey is nearly finished with his windup before Harry Truman snatches the ball from his hand
  • 1965: LBJ scratches his crotch for a full eight minutes before delivering the first pitch
  • 1975: Although Gerald Ford did not fall while throwing out the first pitch of the season, everyone in attendance remembers him doing so
  • 1988: All set to make his first pitch, President Reagan notices the ball in his hand, puts it in his pocket, and wanders toward the A's clubhouse
  • 2001: Fans at Miller Park avert their eyes and nervously pretend to check their watches as George W. Bush walks out to the mound in full catcher's gear
  • 2007: Vice President Dick Cheney becomes the first person to throw a first pitch to complete silence

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