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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Presidential First Pitches

The president throwing out the ceremonial first pitch is as revered a tradition as anything in America. We look at some of the most memorable.

  • 1833: Although the popularization of baseball is still decades off, Andrew Jackson begins the tradition of welcoming in the spring by hurling things at Indians
  • 1944: FDR laboriously rolls his wheelchair out to the pitching mound, then stuns the crowd with a 100 mph fastball
  • 1949: Thomas E. Dewey is nearly finished with his windup before Harry Truman snatches the ball from his hand
  • 1965: LBJ scratches his crotch for a full eight minutes before delivering the first pitch
  • 1975: Although Gerald Ford did not fall while throwing out the first pitch of the season, everyone in attendance remembers him doing so
  • 1988: All set to make his first pitch, President Reagan notices the ball in his hand, puts it in his pocket, and wanders toward the A's clubhouse
  • 2001: Fans at Miller Park avert their eyes and nervously pretend to check their watches as George W. Bush walks out to the mound in full catcher's gear
  • 2007: Vice President Dick Cheney becomes the first person to throw a first pitch to complete silence

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