After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Preventing Childhood Obesity

Childhood obesity has doubled in children and quadrupled in adolescents over the past three decades, which is why it’s more important than ever for parents to take proactive steps to keep their children at a healthy weight. Here are some ways to prevent childhood obesity:

  • Avoid buying unhealthy foods, such as anything marketed to the American consumer.
  • Limit television time to two hours per day, barring movie marathons or special primetime events.
  • Set a good example by choking down a salad in front of your kids..
  • Provide clear guidelines for what kind of body type you expect your child to maintain.
  • Discourage sedentary activities by undoing the last 150 years of technological progress.
  • Make healthy tweaks to favorite dishes, cutting back on the salt, fat, and sugars that are the sole basis of their appeal.
  • Carefully cut open a bag of Doritos, replace the chips with chopped celery, and reseal the bag. If your child is confused, respond, “Huh, I guess they changed the Doritos formula.”
  • Obesity has a large genetic component, so make an effort to only pass the slimmest of your genes onto your children.
  • Make vegetables more appealing by drawing smiley faces on them with a marker.
  • Limit your child to one food a day that contains the word “Cheez.”
  • Some research has shown that pressuring children to lose weight can also lead to obesity, so good luck.
  • Help your child develop good diet and exercise habits by raising them in a different country.

After Birth

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