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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Problems With Athletes' Charities

A recent Dallas Morning News report revealed that many charities run by sports stars are poorly managed, with some organizations appearing to exist only to employ the athletes' friends. Some extreme examples:

  • Elton Brand: Despite its purported focus on helping single parents by creating after-school basketball programs, the Elton Brand Foundation is merely a front to give Brand a forum in which to dunk on children all day
  • Kyle Busch: Forced to shut down his Motor for Life Fund when authorities learned its stated purpose of "teaching sportsmanship, dignity, and respect to underprivileged children" was actually accomplished through playing the original arcade version of Cruis'n USA
  • Allen Iverson: Claimed the goal of his Answer Foundation was to end world hunger; used the charity's money to hold an annual press conference and ask if world hunger was over yet
  • Flutie Flakes: Well, they didn't cure autism
  • Michael Jordan: Though the Michael Jordan Foundation has done a lot for Chicago's inner-city youth, the charity is often considered a disgrace, as it was started only after a friend bet Jordan $5 million that he wouldn't establish a charity benefiting Chicago's inner-city youth
  • Takeru Kobayashi: While competing in December's event to raise money on behalf of the Food Bank for New York City, ate the Food Bank for New York City
  • James Naismith Sporting Trust: Hasn't done a single thing since shipping off a box of basketballs to an Indian school in 1939
  • Michael Vick: Doesn't really matter what the hell this guy does, frankly

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