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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Problems With Athletes' Charities

A recent Dallas Morning News report revealed that many charities run by sports stars are poorly managed, with some organizations appearing to exist only to employ the athletes' friends. Some extreme examples:

  • Elton Brand: Despite its purported focus on helping single parents by creating after-school basketball programs, the Elton Brand Foundation is merely a front to give Brand a forum in which to dunk on children all day
  • Kyle Busch: Forced to shut down his Motor for Life Fund when authorities learned its stated purpose of "teaching sportsmanship, dignity, and respect to underprivileged children" was actually accomplished through playing the original arcade version of Cruis'n USA
  • Allen Iverson: Claimed the goal of his Answer Foundation was to end world hunger; used the charity's money to hold an annual press conference and ask if world hunger was over yet
  • Flutie Flakes: Well, they didn't cure autism
  • Michael Jordan: Though the Michael Jordan Foundation has done a lot for Chicago's inner-city youth, the charity is often considered a disgrace, as it was started only after a friend bet Jordan $5 million that he wouldn't establish a charity benefiting Chicago's inner-city youth
  • Takeru Kobayashi: While competing in December's event to raise money on behalf of the Food Bank for New York City, ate the Food Bank for New York City
  • James Naismith Sporting Trust: Hasn't done a single thing since shipping off a box of basketballs to an Indian school in 1939
  • Michael Vick: Doesn't really matter what the hell this guy does, frankly

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