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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement

The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations:

  • Players are requesting the term "unrestricted free agent" be changed to "man who don't owe nothin' to nobody"
  • Owners want to cut back on 401k, player annuity, and severance spending, whereas players want someone to explain to them what any of that means
  • Players just pretending to want jewel-encrusted helicopters so they have something to give up at the table
  • Owners sick of giving players valuable game-worn football jerseys for free
  • Both sides fighting for more loopholes
  • Owners would like to change employment structure to a freelance system so players would be responsible for invoicing their teams for each reception, tackle, and Super Bowl victory
  • Actually, advertising slathered all over the uniforms fine by both sides
  • Owners will not budge on forcing players to watch their annual 32-way orgy
  • Players want health insurance

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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