adBlockCheck

Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement

The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations:

  • Players are requesting the term "unrestricted free agent" be changed to "man who don't owe nothin' to nobody"
  • Owners want to cut back on 401k, player annuity, and severance spending, whereas players want someone to explain to them what any of that means
  • Players just pretending to want jewel-encrusted helicopters so they have something to give up at the table
  • Owners sick of giving players valuable game-worn football jerseys for free
  • Both sides fighting for more loopholes
  • Owners would like to change employment structure to a freelance system so players would be responsible for invoicing their teams for each reception, tackle, and Super Bowl victory
  • Actually, advertising slathered all over the uniforms fine by both sides
  • Owners will not budge on forcing players to watch their annual 32-way orgy
  • Players want health insurance

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close