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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement

The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations:

  • Players are requesting the term "unrestricted free agent" be changed to "man who don't owe nothin' to nobody"
  • Owners want to cut back on 401k, player annuity, and severance spending, whereas players want someone to explain to them what any of that means
  • Players just pretending to want jewel-encrusted helicopters so they have something to give up at the table
  • Owners sick of giving players valuable game-worn football jerseys for free
  • Both sides fighting for more loopholes
  • Owners would like to change employment structure to a freelance system so players would be responsible for invoicing their teams for each reception, tackle, and Super Bowl victory
  • Actually, advertising slathered all over the uniforms fine by both sides
  • Owners will not budge on forcing players to watch their annual 32-way orgy
  • Players want health insurance

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